The Great Crusade North

Due to weather I figured to make for a good drive from KC, MO to Kato, MN, Harry and I blasted out from my folks' place at 11:25 a.m. We stopped for gas on 435 in Raytown at 11:43 a.m. I keep a Captain's Log for trips, so this time is correct according to Harry's clock. Raytown was just the way I visited it last about four years ago: a good place to get shot by a whitetrash tweeker or someone who would like to be in a gang. Due to Harry's mad skills and my ability to spot whitetrash, we made it out alive and unscathed and everything was pedal to the metal to somewhere where few people consider Cheez-Wiz one of the food groups, a place where few people will stick a knife or gun under your nose and advise you to buy some crack cocaine. Raytown always reminds me of the original Lampoon's Vacation when Clark takes a wrong turn into East Side St. Louis. Clark drives the family through the hood and says, "Look at all of this plight, kids. We are fortunate." A gun shot goes off. Clark instructs the family to "roll'em up," as for the station wagon windows. The people of Raytown will not like reading what I have written but one thing is absolutely true about Raytown. It is grief to live there and, in the stages of overcoming grief, the people of Raytown are stuck in the first stage, denial.

Harry and I make it out of KC and rock straight up 35 and an un-lawabiding pace until Bethany, MO. Bethany is considered a "big town" in NE Missouri. That's right, they've got a hospital with witch doctors there. The amish haven't invaded yet because they like central and southern Missouri too much. Plus, Bethany does enough of inbreeding for itself. I have a license to wield such insults. I've been to Bethany. Proof of God is that baby Jesus wasn't born anywhere near this town. It's that awesome.

Harry and I slowed down not to act like proper members of a citzenship but because of FOG. How the hell do you get fog in December? This is what happens. First off, you need warm air descending from the jet stream. Second, you need a surface colder than the air descending. Wham, bam. FOG.

I thought the fog would lift. I drove through heavy fog from Bethany to Kato. That's a lot of fuckin' fog. The state of Iowa was fog. Driving in fog means many different things to many different people, but, to Harry, fog means let's drive fast. Let's get out of this shit. Johnny law can shoot radar all he wants, but it don't matter. Johnny law can't visually see who is committing the "crime." Harry is one smart Ford. I had no other option than to abide his judgment.

We made it from KC,MO to Kato, MN in 6 hours and 4o minutes with three stops ringing in at 10 min per. We didn't have to stop for gas after Raytown until Alden, MN, which is about 20 min from Kato. That's pretty fantastic. When we got to my pad I hugged Harry's steering wheel. We made it. Harry didn't hug back. Harry knows what's up.