When the Neighbors Play Nice

Here's the up-date on the situation with my crack-head neighbors. Sunday night at 2:00 a.m. (well, Monday morning) I couldn't take trying to sleep with all the bull-fuck going on despite two visits from the cops. I decided to act like Stalin who waited for winter to come and disable German troops. And, yes, winter came and it was hard and cold and devistating.

I called the cops one last time a little after 2 a.m. and said, "I just can't take this anymore. I pay an outrageous amount of money to live in this apartment. I want something done."

I knew the cop dealing with these people wanted this to all be resolved too since he told me, "Believe me this is a pain in the ass for the both of us."

About ten minutes after I put in this call to the cops I heard a knock on my neightbors door. It was the cop who I'd talked to on the phone, the cop who said he was tire of these people, tired of this shit, the same cop who told me I should walk into the Highland office and say, "I'm tired of this bullshit," no matter my standing with them.

When the crack-head dude neighbor opened the door he said, "Heeeeyyyy. Long time no seeeee."

The cop said, "I told you I didn't want to come back here a third time."

"Maaaaan, weeeee're not doinnnnn no wrong."

The toothless woman started up with some gumish jibber-jabber that only the people on the planet of gumish jibber-jabber understand.

The cop said, "Everyone in this apartment is under arrest."

"Arrest for what?" the guy asked.

Honestly, I wanted to know how the cop was going to do this too.

"You're all under arrest for disturbance of the peace," the cop said.

"Weeee've been quite. Weee've been coooooo," the crack-head retorted.

"This is my third time here tonight. We're done. It's cold out. Put on warm clothes."

The toothless woman went a little crazy and started yelling at the top of her lungs.

The cop said, "You get her to shut up or I'll put her in the car in that night gown."

The toothless woman shut up.

The only sound coming from downstairs was the sound of that cop and his partner's radios yammering in static.

A couple of minutes passed until I heard the cop say, "I want each of you to breathe into this."

They were getting scanned for sobriety.

I knew where they were going.

I've been given the breath test before. I've gone where they were on their way to. Many times I have sworn that I would never wish what I call The New Ulm Resort on anybody under any circumstance. These thoughts changed that night.

This is the first time I have ever told the story of how I got locked up. I figure getting somebody locked-up prompts an involuntary sense of guilt because you've been there too, remember how shitty it was, and wish that shitty circumstance wouldn't make you want to put anybody through what you've been through.

2007 was an all around bad, bad year for me and during that bad year got thrown into the local de-tox in New Ulm, a place I refer to as the New Ulm Resort.

Here's how I ended up in the New Ulm Resort:

It was summer. I was working at the hotel. I worked nights and rarely had a night when I could go out to bars. It happened that I had a night off. I went out drinking and drank really hard to escape how much I didn't like the life and job I was living. Too many close calls with drinking and driving inspired me to take a cab. On the way home I asked the cabbie to stop at Kwik Trip so I could grab some random food. Bad decision. When I came out of KT the cabbie thought I was trying to bail on cab fare. The cabbie confronted me and pushed me to the ground and I said, "What the fuck?" The cabbie said, "What the fuck you skipping out for?" I told him I wasn't. He said I was. He said the cops were coming. Though I was about a block and a half from my house, I decided not to run.

The cops put me in cuffs though I was sitting on the curb waiting for them. I told the cops that I got pushed to the ground and the cabbie roughed me up some. The cops gave me a breathalizer. The cops said I was going downtown then going to de-tox.

Because I was good the cop cuffed me with my hands in front of my torso. I told the cop how close I lived and the cop said I need to go to detox for my own safety. I considered that complete bullshit but didn't say so. Before the cop closed the car door I said, 'Wait a minute."

"What?" the cop asked.

"I didn't get a chance to pay the cabbie."

In that moment I think the cop realized this was all just a big misunderstanding but the shit had been dealt so it had to be dealt with.

That cop reached into my jeans pocket and paid the cabbie what I told the cop to pay him. I didn't give a tip.

I was taken downtown to the cop shop. I was printed. My picture was taken. The cop who brought me in told me I was going to de-tox in New Ulm and a car from the de-tox facility was on its way to get me. I asked him if I could smoke a cigarette.

The cop said, "You've been really cooperative and I do think that this has been a big misunderstanding as you said. I've got to keep you cuffed. I'm sure you understand that though."

He walked me to the back side of the downtown police building where the overhead doors are. He took on cuff off my wrist and cuffed it to one of the tracks that guides the overhead door. He said, "You better smoke as much as you can if that's your thing because they don't even allow caffine in de-tox."

I chain smoked until an unmarked car pulled up and a short white guy got out on the driver's side and a fat white woman got out on the passenger side and the white guy said, "This him?"

Those two took me to New Ulm and I bitched and bitched for about ten minutes until I realized that might not help me too much in a court room.

When I got to the New Ulm Resort a fat guy who looked like a pederass greeted me at the door. I was sure that if I was going to get ass-raped by anybody it would be this guy who would rock his little cock into my asshole.

I was so scared of de-tox and being in de-tox that I couldn't talk and I am a talky, talky guy.

The pederass orderly guy showed me what he called "the naught room."

The "naught room" was a solitary confinment cell that was all green tile. He said, "This is where people who act up and keep acting up go."

I knew from the start that this was a scare tactic and wanted my lawyer, but I didn't want my lawyer to tell my pops this had happened. I didn't want my pops to get involved because I knew he would come up to MN and start bitch-slapping and demanding my release immediately which would ultimately result in some sort of talk between the two of us where I would feel ashamed.

After I was shown "where naughty people go," I was shown the way to the general room where there were a lot of meth-heads coming down and a lot of drunks whose drunk was wear off.

Everyone who talked to me was in de-tox for a felony crime. I distinctly remember a lady in her mid forties saying to me, "You weren't arrested? Well, what the hell are you here for?"

I wanted to know the same thing. All I knew was that I pissed off the wrong cabbie.

In de-tox you don't know how to get out of de-tox unless one of the "nurses" tells you who to call. You don't know who the lawyers are who can hook up a release and if a lawyer can hook up your relese you better bet your ass in gonna say in de-tox for some time.

In de-tox the "nurses" check your vitals every two hours.

The first time I got my vitals checked I asked, "How do I get out of here? What lawyer do I have to talk to?"

The "nurse" said he couldn't say anything about that.

I told him to open the phone book and point to a name.

He did.

I asked, "This is the best one?"

The "nurse" said, "No, but he'll get you out."

I said, "Okay."

I called a dear friend and this dear friend loaned me the money to get out and pay the lawyer which was a shitload of money that I was happy to pay back.

At about ten in the morning I got a call from this lawyer who was going to get me out. He said he was having trouble with getting a judge to get me out.

I told him that if he couldn't ge me out then he couldn't get me out and that was okay, but I would want the money back if he couldn't.

He said that wasn't part of the original deal.

I remember saying "Are you fuckin' kidding me?" so loud that the "nurse" aka crowd control in de-tox got their panties in a pinch.

I said this, "You have $650 in your pocket to get me out. Get me out, please. Please."

Later on that day the lawyer called for me at de-tox on the de-tox phone. I'll never forget what he said:

"It's Matt. Listen, I got a judge to sign you out. You'll have to pass the exit survey. Don't lie about anything, but, at the same time, if you touch yourself in the shower this in not the time to admit that. You understand me?"

Clear as day.

I got out and a buddy of mine who knows who he is picked me up, swearing he wouldn't tell a soul. We still laugh about how he and I are the only ones who know he picked me up. I still assure him that though we both hate snakes I'd rather put up with the snakes we encountered when we went to the wildlife refuge after he picked me up than be in de-tox.

And the long and short of this entry comes down to this: Am I sorry my neighbors went to the New Ulm Resort?

No, not at all. I know the hell that awaited them. I think they got what they deserve for being so inconsiderate. I don't regret my actions against them in the least.

You get what you create. That's all I have to say about that.