Due to weather I figured to make for a good drive from KC, MO to Kato, MN, Harry and I blasted out from my folks' place at 11:25 a.m. We stopped for gas on 435 in Raytown at 11:43 a.m. I keep a Captain's Log for trips, so this time is correct according to Harry's clock. Raytown was just the way I visited it last about four years ago: a good place to get shot by a whitetrash tweeker or someone who would like to be in a gang. Due to Harry's mad skills and my ability to spot whitetrash, we made it out alive and unscathed and everything was pedal to the metal to somewhere where few people consider Cheez-Wiz one of the food groups, a place where few people will stick a knife or gun under your nose and advise you to buy some crack cocaine. Raytown always reminds me of the original Lampoon's Vacation when Clark takes a wrong turn into East Side St. Louis. Clark drives the family through the hood and says, "Look at all of this plight, kids. We are fortunate." A gun shot goes off. Clark instructs the family to "roll'em up," as for the station wagon windows. The people of Raytown will not like reading what I have written but one thing is absolutely true about Raytown. It is grief to live there and, in the stages of overcoming grief, the people of Raytown are stuck in the first stage, denial.
Harry and I make it out of KC and rock straight up 35 and an un-lawabiding pace until Bethany, MO. Bethany is considered a "big town" in NE Missouri. That's right, they've got a hospital with witch doctors there. The amish haven't invaded yet because they like central and southern Missouri too much. Plus, Bethany does enough of inbreeding for itself. I have a license to wield such insults. I've been to Bethany. Proof of God is that baby Jesus wasn't born anywhere near this town. It's that awesome.
Harry and I slowed down not to act like proper members of a citzenship but because of FOG. How the hell do you get fog in December? This is what happens. First off, you need warm air descending from the jet stream. Second, you need a surface colder than the air descending. Wham, bam. FOG.
I thought the fog would lift. I drove through heavy fog from Bethany to Kato. That's a lot of fuckin' fog. The state of Iowa was fog. Driving in fog means many different things to many different people, but, to Harry, fog means let's drive fast. Let's get out of this shit. Johnny law can shoot radar all he wants, but it don't matter. Johnny law can't visually see who is committing the "crime." Harry is one smart Ford. I had no other option than to abide his judgment.
We made it from KC,MO to Kato, MN in 6 hours and 4o minutes with three stops ringing in at 10 min per. We didn't have to stop for gas after Raytown until Alden, MN, which is about 20 min from Kato. That's pretty fantastic. When we got to my pad I hugged Harry's steering wheel. We made it. Harry didn't hug back. Harry knows what's up.
Monday, December 29, 2008
Friday, December 26, 2008
Back to Kato
It is 9:24 a.m. and I'll be hitting the bricks here soon. The Holiday went well and Kansas City is still a strange place with strange, though awesome people. Wish me and Harry (my car) luck.
Thursday, December 25, 2008
The Christmas "Present" From My Buddies
If you want to see the Christmas "present" I got from my buddies please click the link below. Use caution. Keep a barf bag within arms reach.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TTBGpRUilAc
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TTBGpRUilAc
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
KC Update: Part Three
It is 6:47 p.m. and I've got just a little window of time there to zip off a blog before my brother comes home from getting "holiday food" and beer. Our buddies will arrive around 8:00 and we will have Festivus. I'm not too sure what's going to happen with the "Feat of Strength" but something is planned and I'm betting it will be pretty hick and most definitely error on the side of white trash.
We did Christmas for my immediate family at my folks place this afternoon starting at noon. At 8 o'clock this morning I was still asleep and had not yet started my Christmas shopping. No biggie. At 8:30 my brother woke me up by peeking in my room and saying, "Wakey. Wakey. Hands off your snakey." He was in his boxers and wearing a red t-shirt with no sleeves.
At 9:30 I was warming my car and preparing to go do my X-mas shopping. For my Dad I made a bird house because he loves feeding birds and doesn't have a birdhouse. It's actually a pretty cool birdhouse though, most times, nine year olds give their dad's birdhouses. At least I didn't get him a tie.
As for my neices, I had them covered because I originally thought about making jewelry but when my brother said he was online looking at toys and ordering I told him to order for me and I'd pay him pack. No problemo.
At 9:36 I was in my car, named Harry now, and off to buy some books. I had my list in my hand. This is how I roll when it comes to Christmas presents. Everybody get a present from the same place bought on the same day which is also the day they will receive it, unless they live out of town.
At 9:50 I rocked into a Barnes and Noble and walked straight up to a customer service lady with the list in my hand and said, "Can you please help me find these books?" Something in my voice must have expressed urgency because she said, "Do a little last minute Christmas shopping?" I said, "I'm giving these books to people at Noon."
We did Christmas for my immediate family at my folks place this afternoon starting at noon. At 8 o'clock this morning I was still asleep and had not yet started my Christmas shopping. No biggie. At 8:30 my brother woke me up by peeking in my room and saying, "Wakey. Wakey. Hands off your snakey." He was in his boxers and wearing a red t-shirt with no sleeves.
At 9:30 I was warming my car and preparing to go do my X-mas shopping. For my Dad I made a bird house because he loves feeding birds and doesn't have a birdhouse. It's actually a pretty cool birdhouse though, most times, nine year olds give their dad's birdhouses. At least I didn't get him a tie.
As for my neices, I had them covered because I originally thought about making jewelry but when my brother said he was online looking at toys and ordering I told him to order for me and I'd pay him pack. No problemo.
At 9:36 I was in my car, named Harry now, and off to buy some books. I had my list in my hand. This is how I roll when it comes to Christmas presents. Everybody get a present from the same place bought on the same day which is also the day they will receive it, unless they live out of town.
At 9:50 I rocked into a Barnes and Noble and walked straight up to a customer service lady with the list in my hand and said, "Can you please help me find these books?" Something in my voice must have expressed urgency because she said, "Do a little last minute Christmas shopping?" I said, "I'm giving these books to people at Noon."
Sunday, December 21, 2008
KC Update: Part Two
It's 1:35 a.m. and I am back to strange sleep patterns because I don't quite have the structure to my days here that I do back home in Mankato. Sort of interesting to me that you can feel a lack of structure in your home town. This is probably due to the fact that I left, went out into the world, and became more of a big boy who developed his own way of doing things at his own pace.
This afternoon I planned on making some soup here at my brother's. Of course he had all sorts of "suggestions" aka "I'm-gonna-whine-like-a-little-bitch." He kept asking, "Where's the recipe? What's your recipe?"
"Chillax," I said.
"There is no recipe is there?"
I chopped potatoes as Drew and Bobby observed me getting more and more irritated with my brother who was looking over my shoulder, watching my every move, and wondering outloud how many stitches I would need while I kept chopping the two potatoes. I have probably chopped more potatoes and onions and garlic and mushroom than one person could eat in a life time. My history of working in restaurants did not matter to my brother though. I knew what he was up to. He was being big brother doing absolutely everything to piss off little brother in the name of trying to excercise some kind of power.
Let me describe my brother's kitchen. First off, remember that there are dead mallard and teal wing thumb tacked to the wall. There's a lot of counter space except that just about every inch is lined by empty beer cans or dirty dishes or some random food container with some random, spoiled food. Most everything is dirty or suspect and when I washed out the pot to make the soup, the pot my brother claimed to be clean, he called me a hypocondriac. When I rinsed the "clean" wooden spoon my brother said, "Jesus."
Jesus wouldn't dare eat at this house. Most cooks would look at this kitchen and vomit. Most human beings would consider cooking in this kitchen a little like cooking when you are camping. And when my brother reads this he will be horrified because I will have offended he good graces to let me cook him something that doesn't come out of a box; he will be offended that I have bad mouthed all that he has provided; he will say that I'm not respecting him.
Now, I can trash a house and live like a pig like nobody's business so I am not an innocent little lamb when it comes to filth. In the past and sometimes in the present, my apartment in Mankato is pretty notorious for being substandard and worse. Let's get back to the cooking scene.
Bobby and Drew have take cue to my extreme irritation at this point. Bobby asks if I need any help and Drew stands in the doorway keeping quiet looking a bit like he might have to break up a cat fight at any moment. I ask Bobby to cut up half an onion. My brother does not like the texture of onions. He bitches about there being too much onion.
I cut up half a toe of garlic. That's too much garlic, my brother says. This is gonna be another garlic and onion soup with too much soup. Why can't it just be a stew? I don't like soup, my brother says.
You are wearing me out, I say.
Drew knows what this means the most because when he and I cooked together at Kennedy's this was the token phrase I found myself saying before something grew wings and flew across the kitchen followed by a litany of profanity.
I decide this is the time to pan fry the Kielbasa in the stock pot. I do this to irriate my brother. The potatoes should go in first. Everybody knows this especially since Kielbasa is pre-cooked.
Then the potatoes and onions and garlic go in.
What happened to sauteeing the onions, my brother asks. He thinks the only way to liquifiy onions chopped finely is by sauteeing them.
It'll be fine, I say.
At this point I want to add some broth to the mixture.
That'll make it too soupy, my brother says.
At this point I am five seconds from hitting my brother in the face with the stock pot lid that's hot. I've seen this done to someone in real, commercial kitchen. It the worst thing you can do short of stabbing somebody.
I agree not to add any broth just to get my brother to stop his bitching and I know exactly what's going to happen to the potatoes. They'll turn to mush. They'll be mashable.
So the "stew" my brother wanted turned out to be more like mashed potatoes with sausage and tomato. It looked a bit like cat vomit. And my loving brother decided to eat cold pizza before even tasting what he bitched to high heaven about. I considered this a major insult, though I said nothing. I ate the stuff and it was good but a far cry from a stew though the flavor was just fine. My brother ended up eating the stuff straight from the pot on the stove after he had his fill of cold pizza. He said he liked it though it got a little dry. No shit. Really? Hmmmm. I told him I'm thinking of starting up a new Christmas tradition. We're gonna make that exact same thing every Christmas. We'll follow the exact recipe from today. It's gonna become a favorite. It's gonna become a Christmas classic. It won't be Christmas until we eat that sludge. Yeah, baby.
This afternoon I planned on making some soup here at my brother's. Of course he had all sorts of "suggestions" aka "I'm-gonna-whine-like-a-little-bitch." He kept asking, "Where's the recipe? What's your recipe?"
"Chillax," I said.
"There is no recipe is there?"
I chopped potatoes as Drew and Bobby observed me getting more and more irritated with my brother who was looking over my shoulder, watching my every move, and wondering outloud how many stitches I would need while I kept chopping the two potatoes. I have probably chopped more potatoes and onions and garlic and mushroom than one person could eat in a life time. My history of working in restaurants did not matter to my brother though. I knew what he was up to. He was being big brother doing absolutely everything to piss off little brother in the name of trying to excercise some kind of power.
Let me describe my brother's kitchen. First off, remember that there are dead mallard and teal wing thumb tacked to the wall. There's a lot of counter space except that just about every inch is lined by empty beer cans or dirty dishes or some random food container with some random, spoiled food. Most everything is dirty or suspect and when I washed out the pot to make the soup, the pot my brother claimed to be clean, he called me a hypocondriac. When I rinsed the "clean" wooden spoon my brother said, "Jesus."
Jesus wouldn't dare eat at this house. Most cooks would look at this kitchen and vomit. Most human beings would consider cooking in this kitchen a little like cooking when you are camping. And when my brother reads this he will be horrified because I will have offended he good graces to let me cook him something that doesn't come out of a box; he will be offended that I have bad mouthed all that he has provided; he will say that I'm not respecting him.
Now, I can trash a house and live like a pig like nobody's business so I am not an innocent little lamb when it comes to filth. In the past and sometimes in the present, my apartment in Mankato is pretty notorious for being substandard and worse. Let's get back to the cooking scene.
Bobby and Drew have take cue to my extreme irritation at this point. Bobby asks if I need any help and Drew stands in the doorway keeping quiet looking a bit like he might have to break up a cat fight at any moment. I ask Bobby to cut up half an onion. My brother does not like the texture of onions. He bitches about there being too much onion.
I cut up half a toe of garlic. That's too much garlic, my brother says. This is gonna be another garlic and onion soup with too much soup. Why can't it just be a stew? I don't like soup, my brother says.
You are wearing me out, I say.
Drew knows what this means the most because when he and I cooked together at Kennedy's this was the token phrase I found myself saying before something grew wings and flew across the kitchen followed by a litany of profanity.
I decide this is the time to pan fry the Kielbasa in the stock pot. I do this to irriate my brother. The potatoes should go in first. Everybody knows this especially since Kielbasa is pre-cooked.
Then the potatoes and onions and garlic go in.
What happened to sauteeing the onions, my brother asks. He thinks the only way to liquifiy onions chopped finely is by sauteeing them.
It'll be fine, I say.
At this point I want to add some broth to the mixture.
That'll make it too soupy, my brother says.
At this point I am five seconds from hitting my brother in the face with the stock pot lid that's hot. I've seen this done to someone in real, commercial kitchen. It the worst thing you can do short of stabbing somebody.
I agree not to add any broth just to get my brother to stop his bitching and I know exactly what's going to happen to the potatoes. They'll turn to mush. They'll be mashable.
So the "stew" my brother wanted turned out to be more like mashed potatoes with sausage and tomato. It looked a bit like cat vomit. And my loving brother decided to eat cold pizza before even tasting what he bitched to high heaven about. I considered this a major insult, though I said nothing. I ate the stuff and it was good but a far cry from a stew though the flavor was just fine. My brother ended up eating the stuff straight from the pot on the stove after he had his fill of cold pizza. He said he liked it though it got a little dry. No shit. Really? Hmmmm. I told him I'm thinking of starting up a new Christmas tradition. We're gonna make that exact same thing every Christmas. We'll follow the exact recipe from today. It's gonna become a favorite. It's gonna become a Christmas classic. It won't be Christmas until we eat that sludge. Yeah, baby.
KC Update: Part I, Dead Mallard and Teal Wings
It's 5:31 a.m. here in lovely Kansas City and I am reporting live from my brother's house where I will be staying until making the crusade back to the frozen tundra we all know and love as balmy Minnesota. The drive down wasn't all that bad, though I had to blast out earlier than expected due to blizzard warnings. Supposedly the mother of all storms would traipse along southern MN on Saturday and Sunday, so I fired up Harry (my smokin' old man car named after my grandfather) and hit the bricks. Made it in seven hours flat. Pretty good.
Staying at my brother's is always a pleasurable experience that's sort of like an urban adventure. Upon entering my brother's house via the kitchen entrance I noticed that he has decided to chop off the wings of ducks he and my buddies have recently killed and tack them to the wall with thumb tacks. Sort of like a hick version of wall paper. This struck me as an extremely odd thing to do, but I also kind of expected strange things as such. My favorite part about these wings is that I asked my brother why he had a skinning axe (sort of a long handled hatchet that's razor sharp) laying on hood of his broken down F-150 that's in the drive. He said, "Well that's what I used to chop the wings off with." In that moment a fantastic image came to my mind.
I envisioned my brother and my buddies standing around outside drinking cans of Miller Lite after a day of duck hunting. They are smoking cigarettes and farting and saying "Yealm" the hick version of Yes that my brother and George invented while in college. All the while my brother is thwacking the wings off these poor, unfortunate mallard drakes and teal and using the steel hood of his old truck as a cutting board. There's almost a caveman like quality to this. I really enjoy that image mostly because it kind of horrifies me. It makes me think, What the fuck, dude? I have no idea how my brother and the guys came up with this idea, though I would not be suprised if it were Drew's brain-child. Now the only question about these wall-tacked-wings is: how long will they stay tacked to the wall? Is this simply something for the holidays? I'm putting my money on those wings staying on the walls until moves out, which might be never.
Stay tuned for more strangeness because I assure you there will be more. Oh, yes, there will be more.
Today, I'm heading over to my parents house to chill with them for a bit, but also snag my baby book so I can scan some pictures into my computer. I'll probably end up posting some of these pictures on this blog so you can see the snot-nosed version of myself.
Staying at my brother's is always a pleasurable experience that's sort of like an urban adventure. Upon entering my brother's house via the kitchen entrance I noticed that he has decided to chop off the wings of ducks he and my buddies have recently killed and tack them to the wall with thumb tacks. Sort of like a hick version of wall paper. This struck me as an extremely odd thing to do, but I also kind of expected strange things as such. My favorite part about these wings is that I asked my brother why he had a skinning axe (sort of a long handled hatchet that's razor sharp) laying on hood of his broken down F-150 that's in the drive. He said, "Well that's what I used to chop the wings off with." In that moment a fantastic image came to my mind.
I envisioned my brother and my buddies standing around outside drinking cans of Miller Lite after a day of duck hunting. They are smoking cigarettes and farting and saying "Yealm" the hick version of Yes that my brother and George invented while in college. All the while my brother is thwacking the wings off these poor, unfortunate mallard drakes and teal and using the steel hood of his old truck as a cutting board. There's almost a caveman like quality to this. I really enjoy that image mostly because it kind of horrifies me. It makes me think, What the fuck, dude? I have no idea how my brother and the guys came up with this idea, though I would not be suprised if it were Drew's brain-child. Now the only question about these wall-tacked-wings is: how long will they stay tacked to the wall? Is this simply something for the holidays? I'm putting my money on those wings staying on the walls until moves out, which might be never.
Stay tuned for more strangeness because I assure you there will be more. Oh, yes, there will be more.
Today, I'm heading over to my parents house to chill with them for a bit, but also snag my baby book so I can scan some pictures into my computer. I'll probably end up posting some of these pictures on this blog so you can see the snot-nosed version of myself.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
New Place for the Long Posts
I've decided to keep the entries on this site short from here on out. This means I have created a wakka-wakka account to maintain my ramblings in cyber space. This blog will be reserved for day to day jazz and random wanderings into what concerns me the most. If you would like to read on then feel free to find the long posts at mrfriendboylongposts.blogspot.com. There's a link on this page if you don't want the hassel of typing all of those letters. I'm a little astonished by the fact that I have maintained this blog for over one week let alone started-up a companion blog since I used to be so anti-blog. I just didn't get it because I didn't want to get it. My buddy named Bob wrote to me saying, "I don't understand the purpose of blogs, but I like what you have written here" in an email once. A homie named Steve encouraged me to stay nasty after reading the blog about how I value writing the nasty. With all of thise in mind I think it is best to open up a new venue to release what is most important and scary and real and daunting and exhilirating and passionate while keeping this blog as a means to say hello, to check-in, to say this is what is happening at this very moment and this is what I think about that at this very moment. Hope you tune into the Long Posts, but Long Posts will be a free-for-all. You might need to grab a cup of coffee. You might need to light a cigarette. You might need to secure a six pack of beer or bottle of wine or bottle of whiskey. You might need to do all of the aforementioned tasks though I don't recommend you do them in that order.
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
First Snowshoing of the Season
I am happy to report that I went out about two hours before sunset for my first snowshoing of what will most likely be a long season of snowshoing. Pretty good snow the other day brought fresh "powder," and I headed out to Seven Mile Creek "to shoe" the horse trail parts of that park. The best part about shoing the horse trails is that you don't have to worry about cross country ski tracks or messing those up, since most CC skiers use previous tracks so they don't have to bust new ones. Plus, the horse trails offer better hills to go up, which means you get to go down them on the way back. Going down steep hills on snowshoes is absolutely exhilirating.
I'd never shoed Seven Mile Creek before though I have done some fly fishing there and have enjoyed boozy picinics with friends who hosted summer birthday get-togethers there. This was my first time there alone. My first time there in the winter. It was kind of spritual in a way to just head up trails following deer tracks, since I doubt anybody smart enough and rich enough to figure out how to keep a horse in dark economic times is willing to chance that horse busting a leg on steep, snowy hills. A friend of mine lent me a digital camera for this excursion with my word that I would not drop it in the snow. I babied that camera and double checked that it was safely zipped in my vest pocket as if was an animal I was house sitting for. All turned out for the camera though it got a little cold. No harm. No foul.
In that picture I am wearing five layers. I was 2 degrees F and dropping rapidly as the sun went down. There wasn't any wind so it wasn't that bad.
Civil War Era Bed Head
This first Bed Head pic looks a little American Civil War Era after playing around with the color contrast. I kind of dig it because I look a bit like a lunatic. Maybe this is what I looked like in a previous life, in a previous era when I lived in a mental ward. Or maybe I hung out with Einstien. Maybe ol' Alberto E. and I stayed up late each night arguing (not the possiblities and scope of physics) but who was most capable of producing rockin' messy hair. Or maybe I was an unidentified, unacknowledged hit man for Al Capone during Prohibition. Maybe I was the one character of that campaign left out of the movie "Untouchables" (one of the greatest movies ever made, so said Jesus Christ). Just maybe. Just maybe.
Mr. Short Hair
Here's the new look, folks. Yes, the 'Lil' Beard' stays. I've got my head turned just a bit to prove that the ponytail aka "neck squirrel" is gone. Here are a couple of things I now love about having short hair:
1. Washing takes hardly any time.
2. It's dries super-duper fast opposed to long hair that dries at about half the speed of smell.
3. When it's messy it's kind of cool looking.
4. Strands of hair no longer bullwhip my eye balls when the wind blows.
5. Breeze on the back of your neck
6. Bed Head
I'm a fan of wicked Bed Head. It always makes me laugh and giggle like a school girl. Yesterday was the first day that I returned to the outside world as a Bed Head Man.
When I woke up, the hair on the left side of my head was so smushed and pressed while sleeping that I had a little Mo-Hawk going on. Did I comb it before going out in public? Fuck No. It was pretty fantastic. That little Bed Head Mo-Hawk flapped in the wind like a fragile hand waving at people as I passed.
Signs that affirm the reality that all that hair is really, really gone for good:
1. Washing it: Not matter how conscious you are you end up squirting too much shampoo in your hand due to routine. Then your hand go to wash the ponytail, but, WHAAAA? It's not there. It's almost as if your brain knew all along that the hair is gone, but your hands didn't get that memo.
2. Wet-Head: You don't have to worry about going out into the Minnesota sub-zero weather and having your hair turn to ice. You don't have to wair for hours for the hair to dry.
3. Combing instead of brushing: I have retired my brush to days of yore. The best things about this is I no longer need to brush out tangles or worry about tangles or cuss tangles while trying to un-tangle them. The worst thing about long hair is when you get a serious ball of tangled hair and you stand in front of the mirror for about fifteen minutes trying to un-do the fucker, feeling a bit like you're trying to figure out how to un-do the Gordion Knot.
4. Bed Head
Monday, December 15, 2008
So long, Mr. Long-Hair
Around 2:15 this afternoon a hair stylist parted the brown sea of my locks into two ponytails, tied rubberbands, and snip, snip. My contribution to locks of love came to a 24 inch donation. That's enough to make two wigs for girl, kid cancer patients. The stylist laid the two ponytails on her counter in a gently. I thought the two strands looked like two dead squirrels.
Now, I was the only straight guy in this salon and this was the first time I'd ever been to a real salon. A friend recommended this stylist who is her trusted stylist. Whether you're a chick or a dude, a major haircut means a major appearance overhaul, so you don't want some dude named Wayne who only knows how to give buzz, military cuts lopping at your locks unless you want a high-and-tight or flat-top or want to look like a neo-nazi. I just didn't want to fifteen or trendy or metrosexual. This was explained to said sytlist who listened, offered advice, and helped me through the options of which the aforementioned Wayne wouldn't give a fuck about because he's got his own idea of what a man's haircut should look like and that haircut is typically not very different than his own.
So there I was looking at the two dead squirrels of my hair splayed on the stylist's counter when I became aware that this cut, this straight man getting a cut, this only straight man in the joint had gained the full attention of the lady folk and gay folk alike. I felt relatively self-conscious. I was the lone water buffalo separated from the herd with lady lions watching from the brush. No. I was the lone snow-leopard at the pound surrounded by black labs. No. I was the guy who was off to get his now chin-length hair washed with a different stylist mouthing these words to nodding client, "That's a shit load of hair."
After the wash, the stylist and I returned to the chair. She razored. She clipped. She asked questions. I talked. Bing. Bang. Boom.
At the end of the cut a different, neighbor stylist said, "That looks really good."
I said, "Thanks."
The stylist, who I am convinced is the most boss chick stylist in the world, asked if everything looked right.
The cut is a classic one. I don't look fifteen. She figured out how I can keep my facial hair and have short hair and not look like a freak who likes to offer candy to little boys. I don't look like a metrosexual and I don't look trendy. I gave the stylist a whoop-ass tip.
When all was said and done the stylist asked me if I would like to send in the hair to locks of love because some people like to get the card that the foundation gives to donors. I said, "Naww. I know I did it. That's good enough for me."
That sounds noble. The truth: I'd forget to send the hair. The foundation would be luck if they got the hair by July if they got it at all.
Now, I was the only straight guy in this salon and this was the first time I'd ever been to a real salon. A friend recommended this stylist who is her trusted stylist. Whether you're a chick or a dude, a major haircut means a major appearance overhaul, so you don't want some dude named Wayne who only knows how to give buzz, military cuts lopping at your locks unless you want a high-and-tight or flat-top or want to look like a neo-nazi. I just didn't want to fifteen or trendy or metrosexual. This was explained to said sytlist who listened, offered advice, and helped me through the options of which the aforementioned Wayne wouldn't give a fuck about because he's got his own idea of what a man's haircut should look like and that haircut is typically not very different than his own.
So there I was looking at the two dead squirrels of my hair splayed on the stylist's counter when I became aware that this cut, this straight man getting a cut, this only straight man in the joint had gained the full attention of the lady folk and gay folk alike. I felt relatively self-conscious. I was the lone water buffalo separated from the herd with lady lions watching from the brush. No. I was the lone snow-leopard at the pound surrounded by black labs. No. I was the guy who was off to get his now chin-length hair washed with a different stylist mouthing these words to nodding client, "That's a shit load of hair."
After the wash, the stylist and I returned to the chair. She razored. She clipped. She asked questions. I talked. Bing. Bang. Boom.
At the end of the cut a different, neighbor stylist said, "That looks really good."
I said, "Thanks."
The stylist, who I am convinced is the most boss chick stylist in the world, asked if everything looked right.
The cut is a classic one. I don't look fifteen. She figured out how I can keep my facial hair and have short hair and not look like a freak who likes to offer candy to little boys. I don't look like a metrosexual and I don't look trendy. I gave the stylist a whoop-ass tip.
When all was said and done the stylist asked me if I would like to send in the hair to locks of love because some people like to get the card that the foundation gives to donors. I said, "Naww. I know I did it. That's good enough for me."
That sounds noble. The truth: I'd forget to send the hair. The foundation would be luck if they got the hair by July if they got it at all.
Friday, December 12, 2008
The Time Has Come: Hair Cut, Baby
On Monday, December 15th, 2008 at 2:00 I will walk into a Mankato salon and have the majority of my locks snipped from my scalp. I will walk out of said salon hoping that I do not look like I'm five. Hopefully I will not look like a metrosexual either. Most of all, I don't want to look like a five year old metrosexual, though I have nothing against five year olds and nothing against metrosexuals.
Since 2002 I have had long hair off and on, but mostly on. When I went away to college I decided I would grow my hair out because, well, it was the first time I actually could. Eighteen years of catholic school dress code had prevented my hair from growing any longer than my shirt collar. So I grew it and grew it and grew it until now, with the exception of a brief interlude just before coming to grad school when a friend cut it on her back deck. That day, when she snipped off that pony-tail, she helled, "I-yi-yi-yi-yi" as if she were an Indian who just scalped me. That's not very sensitive to Native American tribal readers, but I thought it was pretty hilarious.
I still have the remnants of that pony-tail somewhere at my folks house in Kansas City. Come to think of it, that's sort of gross, yet, I'm sorta gross but only sorta on my off days.
This time when I go get scalped, I will be scalped for love, locks for love. Yes, I am donating my hair not because I am such a nice guy, but because, honestly, what the hell else would I do with it, keep another dead pony-tail? That to strange, even for me. Plus, there's just no sense in this hair getting swept into the trash if some cancer patient who needs it can use it.
My mother tells me women would kill for my hair because it is thin and brown with streaks of auburn. But that's my mom and all moms think their boys are pretty awesome no matter what unless the mom is a fuck-up or derranged or psychologically screwed up some other way.
I'm trying to keep this blog shorter than my others because I know that once I get going on a topic I can keep going and going and going like the Energizer Bunny. I'll end with this last thought.
When I first started growing my hair out for the first time there was the typical "get a haircut" speech from all sorts of people. That year at Christmas a most unlikely supporter joined the "Let it grow, let it grow" movement I was conducting, my grandma on my Dad's side. Before she became a victim of amnesia, Bernice (Grandma) was a pistol of a little woman who talked to people in a way that they understood what she meant. She's still a pistol though she lives in the past and rarely remembers who the people in her family are. Anyway, I have the distinct memory of being at her and my grandpa's house on Christmas day and someone giving me some shit about the long hair. Grandma said in her very St. Joe, Mo accent, "Well, I just don't see what all this fuss is about. Jesus had long hair and Willie Nelson has really long hair. I like it."
If Bernice gives a thumbs up so does everybody else because nobody wants to deal with the fall-out of disagreeing with her. It was like the Godfather had said, "The hair stays." And the hair did until now. It's simply going because it is time. It might return someday, but for now, it's time has come to pass.
Since 2002 I have had long hair off and on, but mostly on. When I went away to college I decided I would grow my hair out because, well, it was the first time I actually could. Eighteen years of catholic school dress code had prevented my hair from growing any longer than my shirt collar. So I grew it and grew it and grew it until now, with the exception of a brief interlude just before coming to grad school when a friend cut it on her back deck. That day, when she snipped off that pony-tail, she helled, "I-yi-yi-yi-yi" as if she were an Indian who just scalped me. That's not very sensitive to Native American tribal readers, but I thought it was pretty hilarious.
I still have the remnants of that pony-tail somewhere at my folks house in Kansas City. Come to think of it, that's sort of gross, yet, I'm sorta gross but only sorta on my off days.
This time when I go get scalped, I will be scalped for love, locks for love. Yes, I am donating my hair not because I am such a nice guy, but because, honestly, what the hell else would I do with it, keep another dead pony-tail? That to strange, even for me. Plus, there's just no sense in this hair getting swept into the trash if some cancer patient who needs it can use it.
My mother tells me women would kill for my hair because it is thin and brown with streaks of auburn. But that's my mom and all moms think their boys are pretty awesome no matter what unless the mom is a fuck-up or derranged or psychologically screwed up some other way.
I'm trying to keep this blog shorter than my others because I know that once I get going on a topic I can keep going and going and going like the Energizer Bunny. I'll end with this last thought.
When I first started growing my hair out for the first time there was the typical "get a haircut" speech from all sorts of people. That year at Christmas a most unlikely supporter joined the "Let it grow, let it grow" movement I was conducting, my grandma on my Dad's side. Before she became a victim of amnesia, Bernice (Grandma) was a pistol of a little woman who talked to people in a way that they understood what she meant. She's still a pistol though she lives in the past and rarely remembers who the people in her family are. Anyway, I have the distinct memory of being at her and my grandpa's house on Christmas day and someone giving me some shit about the long hair. Grandma said in her very St. Joe, Mo accent, "Well, I just don't see what all this fuss is about. Jesus had long hair and Willie Nelson has really long hair. I like it."
If Bernice gives a thumbs up so does everybody else because nobody wants to deal with the fall-out of disagreeing with her. It was like the Godfather had said, "The hair stays." And the hair did until now. It's simply going because it is time. It might return someday, but for now, it's time has come to pass.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
When the Neighbors Play Nice
Here's the up-date on the situation with my crack-head neighbors. Sunday night at 2:00 a.m. (well, Monday morning) I couldn't take trying to sleep with all the bull-fuck going on despite two visits from the cops. I decided to act like Stalin who waited for winter to come and disable German troops. And, yes, winter came and it was hard and cold and devistating.
I called the cops one last time a little after 2 a.m. and said, "I just can't take this anymore. I pay an outrageous amount of money to live in this apartment. I want something done."
I knew the cop dealing with these people wanted this to all be resolved too since he told me, "Believe me this is a pain in the ass for the both of us."
About ten minutes after I put in this call to the cops I heard a knock on my neightbors door. It was the cop who I'd talked to on the phone, the cop who said he was tire of these people, tired of this shit, the same cop who told me I should walk into the Highland office and say, "I'm tired of this bullshit," no matter my standing with them.
When the crack-head dude neighbor opened the door he said, "Heeeeyyyy. Long time no seeeee."
The cop said, "I told you I didn't want to come back here a third time."
"Maaaaan, weeeee're not doinnnnn no wrong."
The toothless woman started up with some gumish jibber-jabber that only the people on the planet of gumish jibber-jabber understand.
The cop said, "Everyone in this apartment is under arrest."
"Arrest for what?" the guy asked.
Honestly, I wanted to know how the cop was going to do this too.
"You're all under arrest for disturbance of the peace," the cop said.
"Weeee've been quite. Weee've been coooooo," the crack-head retorted.
"This is my third time here tonight. We're done. It's cold out. Put on warm clothes."
The toothless woman went a little crazy and started yelling at the top of her lungs.
The cop said, "You get her to shut up or I'll put her in the car in that night gown."
The toothless woman shut up.
The only sound coming from downstairs was the sound of that cop and his partner's radios yammering in static.
A couple of minutes passed until I heard the cop say, "I want each of you to breathe into this."
They were getting scanned for sobriety.
I knew where they were going.
I've been given the breath test before. I've gone where they were on their way to. Many times I have sworn that I would never wish what I call The New Ulm Resort on anybody under any circumstance. These thoughts changed that night.
This is the first time I have ever told the story of how I got locked up. I figure getting somebody locked-up prompts an involuntary sense of guilt because you've been there too, remember how shitty it was, and wish that shitty circumstance wouldn't make you want to put anybody through what you've been through.
2007 was an all around bad, bad year for me and during that bad year got thrown into the local de-tox in New Ulm, a place I refer to as the New Ulm Resort.
Here's how I ended up in the New Ulm Resort:
It was summer. I was working at the hotel. I worked nights and rarely had a night when I could go out to bars. It happened that I had a night off. I went out drinking and drank really hard to escape how much I didn't like the life and job I was living. Too many close calls with drinking and driving inspired me to take a cab. On the way home I asked the cabbie to stop at Kwik Trip so I could grab some random food. Bad decision. When I came out of KT the cabbie thought I was trying to bail on cab fare. The cabbie confronted me and pushed me to the ground and I said, "What the fuck?" The cabbie said, "What the fuck you skipping out for?" I told him I wasn't. He said I was. He said the cops were coming. Though I was about a block and a half from my house, I decided not to run.
The cops put me in cuffs though I was sitting on the curb waiting for them. I told the cops that I got pushed to the ground and the cabbie roughed me up some. The cops gave me a breathalizer. The cops said I was going downtown then going to de-tox.
Because I was good the cop cuffed me with my hands in front of my torso. I told the cop how close I lived and the cop said I need to go to detox for my own safety. I considered that complete bullshit but didn't say so. Before the cop closed the car door I said, 'Wait a minute."
"What?" the cop asked.
"I didn't get a chance to pay the cabbie."
In that moment I think the cop realized this was all just a big misunderstanding but the shit had been dealt so it had to be dealt with.
That cop reached into my jeans pocket and paid the cabbie what I told the cop to pay him. I didn't give a tip.
I was taken downtown to the cop shop. I was printed. My picture was taken. The cop who brought me in told me I was going to de-tox in New Ulm and a car from the de-tox facility was on its way to get me. I asked him if I could smoke a cigarette.
The cop said, "You've been really cooperative and I do think that this has been a big misunderstanding as you said. I've got to keep you cuffed. I'm sure you understand that though."
He walked me to the back side of the downtown police building where the overhead doors are. He took on cuff off my wrist and cuffed it to one of the tracks that guides the overhead door. He said, "You better smoke as much as you can if that's your thing because they don't even allow caffine in de-tox."
I chain smoked until an unmarked car pulled up and a short white guy got out on the driver's side and a fat white woman got out on the passenger side and the white guy said, "This him?"
Those two took me to New Ulm and I bitched and bitched for about ten minutes until I realized that might not help me too much in a court room.
When I got to the New Ulm Resort a fat guy who looked like a pederass greeted me at the door. I was sure that if I was going to get ass-raped by anybody it would be this guy who would rock his little cock into my asshole.
I was so scared of de-tox and being in de-tox that I couldn't talk and I am a talky, talky guy.
The pederass orderly guy showed me what he called "the naught room."
The "naught room" was a solitary confinment cell that was all green tile. He said, "This is where people who act up and keep acting up go."
I knew from the start that this was a scare tactic and wanted my lawyer, but I didn't want my lawyer to tell my pops this had happened. I didn't want my pops to get involved because I knew he would come up to MN and start bitch-slapping and demanding my release immediately which would ultimately result in some sort of talk between the two of us where I would feel ashamed.
After I was shown "where naughty people go," I was shown the way to the general room where there were a lot of meth-heads coming down and a lot of drunks whose drunk was wear off.
Everyone who talked to me was in de-tox for a felony crime. I distinctly remember a lady in her mid forties saying to me, "You weren't arrested? Well, what the hell are you here for?"
I wanted to know the same thing. All I knew was that I pissed off the wrong cabbie.
In de-tox you don't know how to get out of de-tox unless one of the "nurses" tells you who to call. You don't know who the lawyers are who can hook up a release and if a lawyer can hook up your relese you better bet your ass in gonna say in de-tox for some time.
In de-tox the "nurses" check your vitals every two hours.
The first time I got my vitals checked I asked, "How do I get out of here? What lawyer do I have to talk to?"
The "nurse" said he couldn't say anything about that.
I told him to open the phone book and point to a name.
He did.
I asked, "This is the best one?"
The "nurse" said, "No, but he'll get you out."
I said, "Okay."
I called a dear friend and this dear friend loaned me the money to get out and pay the lawyer which was a shitload of money that I was happy to pay back.
At about ten in the morning I got a call from this lawyer who was going to get me out. He said he was having trouble with getting a judge to get me out.
I told him that if he couldn't ge me out then he couldn't get me out and that was okay, but I would want the money back if he couldn't.
He said that wasn't part of the original deal.
I remember saying "Are you fuckin' kidding me?" so loud that the "nurse" aka crowd control in de-tox got their panties in a pinch.
I said this, "You have $650 in your pocket to get me out. Get me out, please. Please."
Later on that day the lawyer called for me at de-tox on the de-tox phone. I'll never forget what he said:
"It's Matt. Listen, I got a judge to sign you out. You'll have to pass the exit survey. Don't lie about anything, but, at the same time, if you touch yourself in the shower this in not the time to admit that. You understand me?"
Clear as day.
I got out and a buddy of mine who knows who he is picked me up, swearing he wouldn't tell a soul. We still laugh about how he and I are the only ones who know he picked me up. I still assure him that though we both hate snakes I'd rather put up with the snakes we encountered when we went to the wildlife refuge after he picked me up than be in de-tox.
And the long and short of this entry comes down to this: Am I sorry my neighbors went to the New Ulm Resort?
No, not at all. I know the hell that awaited them. I think they got what they deserve for being so inconsiderate. I don't regret my actions against them in the least.
You get what you create. That's all I have to say about that.
I called the cops one last time a little after 2 a.m. and said, "I just can't take this anymore. I pay an outrageous amount of money to live in this apartment. I want something done."
I knew the cop dealing with these people wanted this to all be resolved too since he told me, "Believe me this is a pain in the ass for the both of us."
About ten minutes after I put in this call to the cops I heard a knock on my neightbors door. It was the cop who I'd talked to on the phone, the cop who said he was tire of these people, tired of this shit, the same cop who told me I should walk into the Highland office and say, "I'm tired of this bullshit," no matter my standing with them.
When the crack-head dude neighbor opened the door he said, "Heeeeyyyy. Long time no seeeee."
The cop said, "I told you I didn't want to come back here a third time."
"Maaaaan, weeeee're not doinnnnn no wrong."
The toothless woman started up with some gumish jibber-jabber that only the people on the planet of gumish jibber-jabber understand.
The cop said, "Everyone in this apartment is under arrest."
"Arrest for what?" the guy asked.
Honestly, I wanted to know how the cop was going to do this too.
"You're all under arrest for disturbance of the peace," the cop said.
"Weeee've been quite. Weee've been coooooo," the crack-head retorted.
"This is my third time here tonight. We're done. It's cold out. Put on warm clothes."
The toothless woman went a little crazy and started yelling at the top of her lungs.
The cop said, "You get her to shut up or I'll put her in the car in that night gown."
The toothless woman shut up.
The only sound coming from downstairs was the sound of that cop and his partner's radios yammering in static.
A couple of minutes passed until I heard the cop say, "I want each of you to breathe into this."
They were getting scanned for sobriety.
I knew where they were going.
I've been given the breath test before. I've gone where they were on their way to. Many times I have sworn that I would never wish what I call The New Ulm Resort on anybody under any circumstance. These thoughts changed that night.
This is the first time I have ever told the story of how I got locked up. I figure getting somebody locked-up prompts an involuntary sense of guilt because you've been there too, remember how shitty it was, and wish that shitty circumstance wouldn't make you want to put anybody through what you've been through.
2007 was an all around bad, bad year for me and during that bad year got thrown into the local de-tox in New Ulm, a place I refer to as the New Ulm Resort.
Here's how I ended up in the New Ulm Resort:
It was summer. I was working at the hotel. I worked nights and rarely had a night when I could go out to bars. It happened that I had a night off. I went out drinking and drank really hard to escape how much I didn't like the life and job I was living. Too many close calls with drinking and driving inspired me to take a cab. On the way home I asked the cabbie to stop at Kwik Trip so I could grab some random food. Bad decision. When I came out of KT the cabbie thought I was trying to bail on cab fare. The cabbie confronted me and pushed me to the ground and I said, "What the fuck?" The cabbie said, "What the fuck you skipping out for?" I told him I wasn't. He said I was. He said the cops were coming. Though I was about a block and a half from my house, I decided not to run.
The cops put me in cuffs though I was sitting on the curb waiting for them. I told the cops that I got pushed to the ground and the cabbie roughed me up some. The cops gave me a breathalizer. The cops said I was going downtown then going to de-tox.
Because I was good the cop cuffed me with my hands in front of my torso. I told the cop how close I lived and the cop said I need to go to detox for my own safety. I considered that complete bullshit but didn't say so. Before the cop closed the car door I said, 'Wait a minute."
"What?" the cop asked.
"I didn't get a chance to pay the cabbie."
In that moment I think the cop realized this was all just a big misunderstanding but the shit had been dealt so it had to be dealt with.
That cop reached into my jeans pocket and paid the cabbie what I told the cop to pay him. I didn't give a tip.
I was taken downtown to the cop shop. I was printed. My picture was taken. The cop who brought me in told me I was going to de-tox in New Ulm and a car from the de-tox facility was on its way to get me. I asked him if I could smoke a cigarette.
The cop said, "You've been really cooperative and I do think that this has been a big misunderstanding as you said. I've got to keep you cuffed. I'm sure you understand that though."
He walked me to the back side of the downtown police building where the overhead doors are. He took on cuff off my wrist and cuffed it to one of the tracks that guides the overhead door. He said, "You better smoke as much as you can if that's your thing because they don't even allow caffine in de-tox."
I chain smoked until an unmarked car pulled up and a short white guy got out on the driver's side and a fat white woman got out on the passenger side and the white guy said, "This him?"
Those two took me to New Ulm and I bitched and bitched for about ten minutes until I realized that might not help me too much in a court room.
When I got to the New Ulm Resort a fat guy who looked like a pederass greeted me at the door. I was sure that if I was going to get ass-raped by anybody it would be this guy who would rock his little cock into my asshole.
I was so scared of de-tox and being in de-tox that I couldn't talk and I am a talky, talky guy.
The pederass orderly guy showed me what he called "the naught room."
The "naught room" was a solitary confinment cell that was all green tile. He said, "This is where people who act up and keep acting up go."
I knew from the start that this was a scare tactic and wanted my lawyer, but I didn't want my lawyer to tell my pops this had happened. I didn't want my pops to get involved because I knew he would come up to MN and start bitch-slapping and demanding my release immediately which would ultimately result in some sort of talk between the two of us where I would feel ashamed.
After I was shown "where naughty people go," I was shown the way to the general room where there were a lot of meth-heads coming down and a lot of drunks whose drunk was wear off.
Everyone who talked to me was in de-tox for a felony crime. I distinctly remember a lady in her mid forties saying to me, "You weren't arrested? Well, what the hell are you here for?"
I wanted to know the same thing. All I knew was that I pissed off the wrong cabbie.
In de-tox you don't know how to get out of de-tox unless one of the "nurses" tells you who to call. You don't know who the lawyers are who can hook up a release and if a lawyer can hook up your relese you better bet your ass in gonna say in de-tox for some time.
In de-tox the "nurses" check your vitals every two hours.
The first time I got my vitals checked I asked, "How do I get out of here? What lawyer do I have to talk to?"
The "nurse" said he couldn't say anything about that.
I told him to open the phone book and point to a name.
He did.
I asked, "This is the best one?"
The "nurse" said, "No, but he'll get you out."
I said, "Okay."
I called a dear friend and this dear friend loaned me the money to get out and pay the lawyer which was a shitload of money that I was happy to pay back.
At about ten in the morning I got a call from this lawyer who was going to get me out. He said he was having trouble with getting a judge to get me out.
I told him that if he couldn't ge me out then he couldn't get me out and that was okay, but I would want the money back if he couldn't.
He said that wasn't part of the original deal.
I remember saying "Are you fuckin' kidding me?" so loud that the "nurse" aka crowd control in de-tox got their panties in a pinch.
I said this, "You have $650 in your pocket to get me out. Get me out, please. Please."
Later on that day the lawyer called for me at de-tox on the de-tox phone. I'll never forget what he said:
"It's Matt. Listen, I got a judge to sign you out. You'll have to pass the exit survey. Don't lie about anything, but, at the same time, if you touch yourself in the shower this in not the time to admit that. You understand me?"
Clear as day.
I got out and a buddy of mine who knows who he is picked me up, swearing he wouldn't tell a soul. We still laugh about how he and I are the only ones who know he picked me up. I still assure him that though we both hate snakes I'd rather put up with the snakes we encountered when we went to the wildlife refuge after he picked me up than be in de-tox.
And the long and short of this entry comes down to this: Am I sorry my neighbors went to the New Ulm Resort?
No, not at all. I know the hell that awaited them. I think they got what they deserve for being so inconsiderate. I don't regret my actions against them in the least.
You get what you create. That's all I have to say about that.
When Students Rock Your Face Off
There's no better feeling for a teacher than when you grade a stack of papers and says, "Yes. They got it. And man they got it good." Not only does this make you feel like you're not a worthless teacher, but, most of all, it gives you a sense that you taught something that mattered to someone, that by teaching you helped a handful of people gain a better understanding not only about writing, but about themselves.
While reading through student reflection and analysis papers of the flash fiction I had them write, I felt like, at times, I was reading the general principles about writing that I believe in. As follows are some key moments that made me smile.
"Using scenes, a writer attempts to make readers forget they are reading and the writer wants the reader to live in the story." (AMEN, SISTER)
"In conclusion to the fiction and poetry units, I feel as though I can freely write and that writing is a way of relieving many thoughts. In a certain sense, I would consider creative writing as an unusual form of therapy, a therapy that helps the soul by getting your thoughts out onto paper instead of barricading them inside, where they do nothing but harm. " (AMEN,BROTHER)
"The best point I can make is that if you are not emotionally into your work, how can you expect your reader to put their own emotion into it? I learned that no matter if it's a short poem or long story, if is factual or fiction, have some feeling to it or else the writing will just be words on paper. As writers, we want to go beyond that." (AMEN, BROTHER).
"If your characters are not solid then your piece will falter." (AMEN, SISTER)
These quotes come from different essays and I think each one is good evidence that by teaching the craft of writing you can teach people about themselves. I really fucking enjoy the fact that these four quotes are so direct about crucial writing elements. And I really, really fucking enjoy the fact that these were written by Intro to Creative writing students.
I'll be the first to admit that a lot of things went wrong in my Intro class, which were entirely my fault. The first day was a complete nightmare because, in all of my wisdom, I decided to teach about every element of poetry in an hour and forty-five minutes. It was a complete crash and burn first day. Recently I had a conference with a student who told me that on the first day almost everybody in the part of the room where he was sitting were looking up classes to take instead of mine while I was up there yucking along. That student also told me he was flat out freaked-out by how I walked in and just started lecturing. That same student said the general reaction after class was "What the fuck just happened?" I'm lucky that people showed up the second day after my grand-fuck up. Dan witnessed this go down and witnessed the recovery attempt on day two. Dan took notes just like everybody else. I swear those people, especially Dan, looked like they had serious hand cramps.
Then I chil-laxed. I came into the class on day one and threw all my babies in the deep end. On day two I came in as the life guard. Looking back, I have no idea why no one dropped the course. The only insight I have is from the same student who told me about how people were looking up new classes. He said he came to class and others kept coming to class because they all wanted to see what was going to happen next. That student said he was pretty convinced I was kind of (he was nice by saying kind of) a wacky guy who paced a lot and tugged his beard a lot when he was thinking. That student said he was pretty sure the reason why everybody stayed in the class was because anything from "I want you to realize that this is important to your life" to "Gimme a damn break" could come out of my mouth at any moment.
In a conference with a different student she said she didn't like the first week of class one bit and the only reason why she didn't drop after the first week was because on the second day I came in and explained that I was sorry for throwing everyone into the deep end, but I did it out of respect to their intelligence. She said she felt challenged every class after that but felt like she was being challenged not by a teacher who always wanted to be right, but a teacher believed the students could handle being pushed to think hard.
And I did make those people think hard and work hard. Too hard at first. Way too hard actually. As I teacher, I make the assumptions that every student can get it, that every student is smart enough to operate at a high level of critical thinking and that it is my job to clearly articulate that they can and also give them the skills how to do so. Ultimately, I respect their intelligences.
One of my teaching pet-peeves is when I hear a teacher saying "Oh, these students just can't handle thinking on an advanced level." There might be some truth to that, but most times when hearing stuff like that I think, "No, that's not the case. Not at all. The issues isn't with how the students can think. This issue is with if you can clearly teach novices complex tasks and complex ways of thinking." I know that is arrogant of me to say that because it assumes I think I can teach novices these things. Well, I'm trying to get there no matter the crashes, the burns, and the stiches. This semester of teaching gave me a lot of wounds and scars, but they were self inflicted. At the end of the day though, I think the class I taught mattered to these people more than just a grade because when I presented them with the challenge of writing something that mattered to themselves in the fiction unit, no body backed down. Everybody took it seriously and everybody wrote their reflections seriously. And that is enough to make to sleep well at night.
While reading through student reflection and analysis papers of the flash fiction I had them write, I felt like, at times, I was reading the general principles about writing that I believe in. As follows are some key moments that made me smile.
"Using scenes, a writer attempts to make readers forget they are reading and the writer wants the reader to live in the story." (AMEN, SISTER)
"In conclusion to the fiction and poetry units, I feel as though I can freely write and that writing is a way of relieving many thoughts. In a certain sense, I would consider creative writing as an unusual form of therapy, a therapy that helps the soul by getting your thoughts out onto paper instead of barricading them inside, where they do nothing but harm. " (AMEN,BROTHER)
"The best point I can make is that if you are not emotionally into your work, how can you expect your reader to put their own emotion into it? I learned that no matter if it's a short poem or long story, if is factual or fiction, have some feeling to it or else the writing will just be words on paper. As writers, we want to go beyond that." (AMEN, BROTHER).
"If your characters are not solid then your piece will falter." (AMEN, SISTER)
These quotes come from different essays and I think each one is good evidence that by teaching the craft of writing you can teach people about themselves. I really fucking enjoy the fact that these four quotes are so direct about crucial writing elements. And I really, really fucking enjoy the fact that these were written by Intro to Creative writing students.
I'll be the first to admit that a lot of things went wrong in my Intro class, which were entirely my fault. The first day was a complete nightmare because, in all of my wisdom, I decided to teach about every element of poetry in an hour and forty-five minutes. It was a complete crash and burn first day. Recently I had a conference with a student who told me that on the first day almost everybody in the part of the room where he was sitting were looking up classes to take instead of mine while I was up there yucking along. That student also told me he was flat out freaked-out by how I walked in and just started lecturing. That same student said the general reaction after class was "What the fuck just happened?" I'm lucky that people showed up the second day after my grand-fuck up. Dan witnessed this go down and witnessed the recovery attempt on day two. Dan took notes just like everybody else. I swear those people, especially Dan, looked like they had serious hand cramps.
Then I chil-laxed. I came into the class on day one and threw all my babies in the deep end. On day two I came in as the life guard. Looking back, I have no idea why no one dropped the course. The only insight I have is from the same student who told me about how people were looking up new classes. He said he came to class and others kept coming to class because they all wanted to see what was going to happen next. That student said he was pretty convinced I was kind of (he was nice by saying kind of) a wacky guy who paced a lot and tugged his beard a lot when he was thinking. That student said he was pretty sure the reason why everybody stayed in the class was because anything from "I want you to realize that this is important to your life" to "Gimme a damn break" could come out of my mouth at any moment.
In a conference with a different student she said she didn't like the first week of class one bit and the only reason why she didn't drop after the first week was because on the second day I came in and explained that I was sorry for throwing everyone into the deep end, but I did it out of respect to their intelligence. She said she felt challenged every class after that but felt like she was being challenged not by a teacher who always wanted to be right, but a teacher believed the students could handle being pushed to think hard.
And I did make those people think hard and work hard. Too hard at first. Way too hard actually. As I teacher, I make the assumptions that every student can get it, that every student is smart enough to operate at a high level of critical thinking and that it is my job to clearly articulate that they can and also give them the skills how to do so. Ultimately, I respect their intelligences.
One of my teaching pet-peeves is when I hear a teacher saying "Oh, these students just can't handle thinking on an advanced level." There might be some truth to that, but most times when hearing stuff like that I think, "No, that's not the case. Not at all. The issues isn't with how the students can think. This issue is with if you can clearly teach novices complex tasks and complex ways of thinking." I know that is arrogant of me to say that because it assumes I think I can teach novices these things. Well, I'm trying to get there no matter the crashes, the burns, and the stiches. This semester of teaching gave me a lot of wounds and scars, but they were self inflicted. At the end of the day though, I think the class I taught mattered to these people more than just a grade because when I presented them with the challenge of writing something that mattered to themselves in the fiction unit, no body backed down. Everybody took it seriously and everybody wrote their reflections seriously. And that is enough to make to sleep well at night.
Sunday, December 7, 2008
Think Like Stalin When Need Be
There's a reason why Nazi troops came running with their hands in the air as American troops got closer to the Eastern front. The Natzis had committed unspeakable wrongs and the Eastern Front, directed by Stalin, represented a whole new deck of unspeakable wrongs that were the direct opposite of the unfortunate ends of those who died in Nazi workcamps, Siberia. Both Stalin and Hitler were monsters. Unfortunately, the were both relatively genius when it came to war and persuasion.
I respect neither of these men, but, unfortunately, I believe it would be unwise not to learn something from Stalin, especailly when it comes to dealing with loud, bad, untolerable neighbors. Though Stalin was more of a monster than Hitler, in my mind, he was a valid and valuable friend of Britian and the US in WW2 and the way Russia waged war can stand as a general principle of waiting, of teasing, of bringing having the big mouse bring the big cat to a location where there are 100 big mice.
Russia invited the Nazi army to chase and chase them further and further into Russia. The Russian army kept loosing small battles on purpose. Thr Russians were waiting for their strongest military weapon, Winter.
I've been dealing with my asshole, downstairs neighbors the same way lately. I called the cops on them twice tonight and the second time the 911 person said the police would like a call back to talk to me.
Long story short: The cops are tire of coming up here. I am tired of calling the cops. The cops and I are on the same page for the first time in my life.
The cop I talked to said, "If there are anymore problems just call and we'll bring some cars and arrest them."
How the cops will do that legally I am not quite sure, but this state has strange laws.
Nonetheless, I feel a bit like I am playing a Stalin card. The neighbors have been somewhat loud all night. I'm waiting for the right moment. I know there will be a potential fall-out for me when I do finally call the cops. And I know I will because these people are as considerate as people who think the can raise hell on their own planet.
I'm waiting for winter. I'm waiting to use the Stalin card. I honestly hope I don't have to.
I respect neither of these men, but, unfortunately, I believe it would be unwise not to learn something from Stalin, especailly when it comes to dealing with loud, bad, untolerable neighbors. Though Stalin was more of a monster than Hitler, in my mind, he was a valid and valuable friend of Britian and the US in WW2 and the way Russia waged war can stand as a general principle of waiting, of teasing, of bringing having the big mouse bring the big cat to a location where there are 100 big mice.
Russia invited the Nazi army to chase and chase them further and further into Russia. The Russian army kept loosing small battles on purpose. Thr Russians were waiting for their strongest military weapon, Winter.
I've been dealing with my asshole, downstairs neighbors the same way lately. I called the cops on them twice tonight and the second time the 911 person said the police would like a call back to talk to me.
Long story short: The cops are tire of coming up here. I am tired of calling the cops. The cops and I are on the same page for the first time in my life.
The cop I talked to said, "If there are anymore problems just call and we'll bring some cars and arrest them."
How the cops will do that legally I am not quite sure, but this state has strange laws.
Nonetheless, I feel a bit like I am playing a Stalin card. The neighbors have been somewhat loud all night. I'm waiting for the right moment. I know there will be a potential fall-out for me when I do finally call the cops. And I know I will because these people are as considerate as people who think the can raise hell on their own planet.
I'm waiting for winter. I'm waiting to use the Stalin card. I honestly hope I don't have to.
Writing Honestly
I'm pleased that I exceeded my daily writing quota by two thousand words, but I am displeased with a thought I stumbled upon because it scares and challenges something I've believed in strongly, believed in as law until now and this has to do with Stafford's belief about writers block. In terms of writer's block William Stafford used to say, "If you think you have writer's block, then lower your standards." That catch phrase served as a writing compass for me from the time I heard it until today, and I now wonder if that thought is a tad misguided, a tad flippant, and a tad from a guy wrote so much that he didn't fully understand blocks because of his own, earned confidence, a guy who wrote his way out of the goddamns of writing.
I assure you that there is some Stafford-freak out there somwhere who will tell you I have Stafford all wrong, that I don't get him, that the quote is just one of Stafford's many great quotes. To you I say, I know. I assure you that some know it all will come along and say, Well, Stafford does have a point.
I just don't think I am as willing to accept that point the way I once did. Anymore, I think that if you have a block of any kind then you don't "lower your standards." You start writing honestly whether the facts are invented or not. In this I think writers raise the standards because no cheap tricks are tolerated. You are honest to the emotions of the text you write and you write those facts understanding that if you are not honest to them then you have failed. And that failing is not acceptable.
I assure you that there is some Stafford-freak out there somwhere who will tell you I have Stafford all wrong, that I don't get him, that the quote is just one of Stafford's many great quotes. To you I say, I know. I assure you that some know it all will come along and say, Well, Stafford does have a point.
I just don't think I am as willing to accept that point the way I once did. Anymore, I think that if you have a block of any kind then you don't "lower your standards." You start writing honestly whether the facts are invented or not. In this I think writers raise the standards because no cheap tricks are tolerated. You are honest to the emotions of the text you write and you write those facts understanding that if you are not honest to them then you have failed. And that failing is not acceptable.
Saturday, December 6, 2008
Saturday Recipes: Part One-Tomato Soup
Each week I like to develop a new recipe. Since it's winter, I've been working mostly on soups and hearty, most times fatty sides.
I have always enjoyed complex recipes and dishes. I also enjoy making comlex dishes and recipes easier and nicer to be around on the kitchen-playground. Here's my newest invention / recreation of an old-style recipe that worked out very well.
Tomato Soup A-la-DJC
Ingredients:
4 (14.5 0z) cans Red Gold Diced Tomatoes with Basil, Garlic, Oregano--DRAINED
1 bundel scallions (chopped)
2 cups veggie broth [can substitue chicken broth--2 cups usually amounts to 1 (14 oz) can]
1/2 teaspoon black pepper
1 teaspoon Italian Seasoning
3 tablespoons butter
2 tablespoons all-pourpose flour
Directions:
1. In a stockpot, over medium heat, combine tomatoes, scallions, veggie broth, and 1 tablespoon butter. Bring broth to a boild and gently boil for about 20 minutes to blend all of the flavors. Remove from heat and process mixture in a large bowl. [NOTE: By process, I mean you need to puree the mixture to taste. You can do this with a mill, processor, blender, or immersion mixter. I use an immersion mixer and it works just fine].
2. In a second sauce pan (I use a stainless steel one and your sauce pan should be large enough to hold your processed tomato mixture) melt the remaining 2 tablespoons of butter over medium-low heat. Stir in all-purpose flour to make a roux, cooking the roux until it is pale brown. Make sure to constantly whisk.
3. Once roux is ready (about two minutes), gradually whisk in a bit of the tomato mixture so that no lumps form, then stir in rest of tomato mixture. Heat thoroughly, but do not bring to boil. Let stand five minutes then serve.
Adaptions:
Sugar ( 2 teaspoons white sugar): I don't like sweets except on rare occassions when I just eat and eat them and I'm not a big fan of sugar in any sauce that's red.
Balsamic Vinegar (1 tablespoon added at same time as broth): I haven't tried this, but I bet it would be amazing.
Cloves (4 whole): I'm not the biggest fan of this, but some well reviewed recipes call for this.
If you like creamy soups, consider making this into a bisque. Not all bisques are seafood such as the traditional lobster or shrimp bisque. Anymore, unless you're a pureist, tomate bisque is pretty much tomato soup with a milk mixture added. If you translate this into bisque then add two cups of milk to your roux. Actually it might not be that simple. You'll need to look up bisque recpies.
That's pretty much all I have on that recipe. It's good and pretty good for you. Three tablespoons of butter is a pretty significant amount, I guess, but in the world of fast food eaters, this is a sneeze of fat at the Big Mac or any fried food.
I have always enjoyed complex recipes and dishes. I also enjoy making comlex dishes and recipes easier and nicer to be around on the kitchen-playground. Here's my newest invention / recreation of an old-style recipe that worked out very well.
Tomato Soup A-la-DJC
Ingredients:
4 (14.5 0z) cans Red Gold Diced Tomatoes with Basil, Garlic, Oregano--DRAINED
1 bundel scallions (chopped)
2 cups veggie broth [can substitue chicken broth--2 cups usually amounts to 1 (14 oz) can]
1/2 teaspoon black pepper
1 teaspoon Italian Seasoning
3 tablespoons butter
2 tablespoons all-pourpose flour
Directions:
1. In a stockpot, over medium heat, combine tomatoes, scallions, veggie broth, and 1 tablespoon butter. Bring broth to a boild and gently boil for about 20 minutes to blend all of the flavors. Remove from heat and process mixture in a large bowl. [NOTE: By process, I mean you need to puree the mixture to taste. You can do this with a mill, processor, blender, or immersion mixter. I use an immersion mixer and it works just fine].
2. In a second sauce pan (I use a stainless steel one and your sauce pan should be large enough to hold your processed tomato mixture) melt the remaining 2 tablespoons of butter over medium-low heat. Stir in all-purpose flour to make a roux, cooking the roux until it is pale brown. Make sure to constantly whisk.
3. Once roux is ready (about two minutes), gradually whisk in a bit of the tomato mixture so that no lumps form, then stir in rest of tomato mixture. Heat thoroughly, but do not bring to boil. Let stand five minutes then serve.
Adaptions:
Sugar ( 2 teaspoons white sugar): I don't like sweets except on rare occassions when I just eat and eat them and I'm not a big fan of sugar in any sauce that's red.
Balsamic Vinegar (1 tablespoon added at same time as broth): I haven't tried this, but I bet it would be amazing.
Cloves (4 whole): I'm not the biggest fan of this, but some well reviewed recipes call for this.
If you like creamy soups, consider making this into a bisque. Not all bisques are seafood such as the traditional lobster or shrimp bisque. Anymore, unless you're a pureist, tomate bisque is pretty much tomato soup with a milk mixture added. If you translate this into bisque then add two cups of milk to your roux. Actually it might not be that simple. You'll need to look up bisque recpies.
That's pretty much all I have on that recipe. It's good and pretty good for you. Three tablespoons of butter is a pretty significant amount, I guess, but in the world of fast food eaters, this is a sneeze of fat at the Big Mac or any fried food.
Friday, December 5, 2008
Suck My John Wayne
I'm totally taking credit for that phrase because I'm positive I'm the first person evre to utter those words by means of insult. Before I get into the birth-reason for said utterance (pun-intended), I would like to say that my John Wayne ain't no lil' pilgrim especailly when mirrors are involved. That said, I will proceed to the ocassion for the utterance...
Every school teacher has a shit-head, fuck-ball student he or she refers to as DOUCHE-BAG. This semester I have a five start shit-head, fuck-ball douche bag. And, quite frankly, I hope this student stumbles upon this blog so said student can be affirmed how much of a shit-ball, fuck-ball douche bag said student really is.
If you teach, you know this student. This is the student who is not only disrespectful by means of obviously surfing the internet while you teach, but thinks s/he knows more than you. Though this person might, the person has no fucking tact and an ego larger than the moon. This is the same person who says your descriptive comments are "stupid." This is the same person you have given so much wiggle room to improve that you can expect that this person will volunteer a kidney if you need one. And what does this student do? This is the student who after you have offered kindness to grant another chance on a big paper, emails you the same paper that got turned in the first time. The paper that still doesn't fill the page requirement despite your warnings, your kindness, your imploring. So what do I want to do? And what will I do? Pissing contests with students are stupid. Nonetheless, you can't let some fucker in your class boss you around. I have decided I will email this fuck-ball in a nice way and see what the bull-fuck story the student comes up with next. What I really want to write to said student is as follows:
Hey there, monkey-shit. You have proved yourself as a person who can read well because you figured out how to fuck up every single criteria for this paper. I'll be sure to keep you on my Christmas card mailing list because you made grading your paper so easy, F as in fucker. Also, thanks for saying, "Oh, Darn" when I told you half of your homework was never turned in. I'd like to "Oh, Darn" your face with a Swingline stapler. But I never will. I'd never do anything like that. I'd never get violent because that's not in my nature. I'm gonna be really nice now. I'm gonna be so fucking nice. That way when you contest the grade, I'll be D-Day on your white-trash existence and I can say you have a white-trash existence because I'm from Missouri and I'm white and almost all of my close friends are white-trash, you Minnesota-accent-mother-fucker.
Every school teacher has a shit-head, fuck-ball student he or she refers to as DOUCHE-BAG. This semester I have a five start shit-head, fuck-ball douche bag. And, quite frankly, I hope this student stumbles upon this blog so said student can be affirmed how much of a shit-ball, fuck-ball douche bag said student really is.
If you teach, you know this student. This is the student who is not only disrespectful by means of obviously surfing the internet while you teach, but thinks s/he knows more than you. Though this person might, the person has no fucking tact and an ego larger than the moon. This is the same person who says your descriptive comments are "stupid." This is the same person you have given so much wiggle room to improve that you can expect that this person will volunteer a kidney if you need one. And what does this student do? This is the student who after you have offered kindness to grant another chance on a big paper, emails you the same paper that got turned in the first time. The paper that still doesn't fill the page requirement despite your warnings, your kindness, your imploring. So what do I want to do? And what will I do? Pissing contests with students are stupid. Nonetheless, you can't let some fucker in your class boss you around. I have decided I will email this fuck-ball in a nice way and see what the bull-fuck story the student comes up with next. What I really want to write to said student is as follows:
Hey there, monkey-shit. You have proved yourself as a person who can read well because you figured out how to fuck up every single criteria for this paper. I'll be sure to keep you on my Christmas card mailing list because you made grading your paper so easy, F as in fucker. Also, thanks for saying, "Oh, Darn" when I told you half of your homework was never turned in. I'd like to "Oh, Darn" your face with a Swingline stapler. But I never will. I'd never do anything like that. I'd never get violent because that's not in my nature. I'm gonna be really nice now. I'm gonna be so fucking nice. That way when you contest the grade, I'll be D-Day on your white-trash existence and I can say you have a white-trash existence because I'm from Missouri and I'm white and almost all of my close friends are white-trash, you Minnesota-accent-mother-fucker.
Be Smart Or Get Tough
Writing that last entry made me think of stupid shit I've done, which always makes me think of a conversation I had with my buddy Dennis. In August, I called Dennis to see how he was doing because he was, without a doubt, having the worst time in his life. Dennis is almost sixty and in the Spring his son died. On top of that, Dennis got into a terrible accident which amounted to about 40% of his body burned by gasoline. And on top of that, while in the burn unit, the doctors diagnosed him with diabetes. Go into the hospital for burns and come out still burned with an added dose of diabetes and a son who is still dead. When I think I have a hard day or hard times, I think of Dennis and tell myself to quit my bitchin'.
While I was talking with Dennis that day I was checking up on him, we got to talking about his old man. Dennis's dad was an iconic-Missouri hick dad with lots of catch phrases that stick in your head. The one we talked about was how Dennis's dad would say, "Son, you gonna have to start being smart or get real tough, real fast." This saying was always in reference to prevent doing stupid shit like messing with explosives or drinking too much or driving motorcycles over the legal limit on gravel roads. Most of all the phrase is a mortal one and Dennis and I were having the most mortal conversation I've ever had with anybody. I'd told Dennis about how I'd sort of slowed down on doing too much stupid shit like messing with explosives on camping trips. Dennis told me about how he was just trying to keep breathing without thinking about how his life and body were in ruin.
While I was talking with Dennis that day I was checking up on him, we got to talking about his old man. Dennis's dad was an iconic-Missouri hick dad with lots of catch phrases that stick in your head. The one we talked about was how Dennis's dad would say, "Son, you gonna have to start being smart or get real tough, real fast." This saying was always in reference to prevent doing stupid shit like messing with explosives or drinking too much or driving motorcycles over the legal limit on gravel roads. Most of all the phrase is a mortal one and Dennis and I were having the most mortal conversation I've ever had with anybody. I'd told Dennis about how I'd sort of slowed down on doing too much stupid shit like messing with explosives on camping trips. Dennis told me about how he was just trying to keep breathing without thinking about how his life and body were in ruin.
Grey Light
On mornings like these I wake up at 6:30 for no reason at all. Then there is a debate in my head: do I make coffee or try to go back to sleep? Usually, I roll my nuts for a second and smoke a cigarette before going back to bed, but, no, today I am staying up, getting on with the day, making things happen.
Right now the sky is greying with light. For some reason the grey light of night turning to morning always reminds me of harder times. Every day and week and month is hard in its own way, but there are always the years that were hardest and there will always be years ahead that are harder than what we once presumed to be the hardest. That's a pretty cliche thought, but, eh, I've only had one cup of coffee. Let me be concrete.
When I worked nights at the hotel, I lived a life of grey light. During the winter, I went to work in the dark, and walked home a dawn. Then I'd try my best to get my ass to sleep so I could go do that again. Nothing all that subtantial ever really happened those mornings, but when ocassionally I would think of interesting things that happened in grey light. The time I worked that night job was a pretty dark point when I hated "the man" and spend a lot of time boo-hooing to myself about how I wasn't on the inside circle of other grad students who had teaching assistanships. So I lived in my mind for the most part. I recreated memories of bends in rivers that I love to fish. I recreated parts of France and Italy I like. And maybe it was because I saw so much grey-dawn that my brain resorted to thinking fondly of memories of grey light. The one that comforted me the most was also one that represented a hard down turn, more wandering into the bad.
Between 2004-2005 I was risking a pretty bad gambling habit. I was working as a bartender/ cook at two really successful bars in Kansas City so this meant I made a lot of disposable income that I could blow. Dropping three hundred bucks at a casino really wasn't a big deal because, on an average night, I'd make more than that. At this time, The Point in Kansas City was a premiere bar and everybody who was anybody in Kansas City would show up. It was pretty common to walk out of the bar after close with five hundred bones in your pocket. Five hundred bones to toss at a black-jack dealer. Wow, I am rambling and rambling. Let me get to the point.
My favorite memory of grey dawn was when my brother and I were leaving Harrah's north of the river in KC. John won three grand and I won two grand. It was summer. We were absolutely drunk and rich and in a cab. In our minds, we'd finally beat the casinos. In reality we'd scaped back probably a fourth of what we'd blown, at best. But in that moment, in the cab, anything was possible, and because John and I both blew money as if our hands were fans, we wanted to spend it. We wanted to do something wild because we could. We had the money, so why the fuck not?
We decided we'd have the cab take us to KCI airport so we could hop a flight to Chicago. We decided that since we had the money, we'd go to Chicago to eat hotdogs and get haircuts. The cabbie was pretty unimpressed with our idea, which made us think maybe it wasn't a good idea after all. Logic started coming back. We ditched the idea of going to Chicago. We had the cabbie take us back to my brother's pad.
I always like thinking of being in that cab deciding on if we should go to Chicago for hotdogs and haircuts. I represents the true silly and like all silliness represents an aspect of life that is truly stupid, stupid. I've done shitloads of stupid shit. I like to think that's what makes me a pretty empathetic person. But that just might be me thinking too highly of myself. I think there's a poem fumbling around in these fumbling words of this fumbling entry.
Right now the sky is greying with light. For some reason the grey light of night turning to morning always reminds me of harder times. Every day and week and month is hard in its own way, but there are always the years that were hardest and there will always be years ahead that are harder than what we once presumed to be the hardest. That's a pretty cliche thought, but, eh, I've only had one cup of coffee. Let me be concrete.
When I worked nights at the hotel, I lived a life of grey light. During the winter, I went to work in the dark, and walked home a dawn. Then I'd try my best to get my ass to sleep so I could go do that again. Nothing all that subtantial ever really happened those mornings, but when ocassionally I would think of interesting things that happened in grey light. The time I worked that night job was a pretty dark point when I hated "the man" and spend a lot of time boo-hooing to myself about how I wasn't on the inside circle of other grad students who had teaching assistanships. So I lived in my mind for the most part. I recreated memories of bends in rivers that I love to fish. I recreated parts of France and Italy I like. And maybe it was because I saw so much grey-dawn that my brain resorted to thinking fondly of memories of grey light. The one that comforted me the most was also one that represented a hard down turn, more wandering into the bad.
Between 2004-2005 I was risking a pretty bad gambling habit. I was working as a bartender/ cook at two really successful bars in Kansas City so this meant I made a lot of disposable income that I could blow. Dropping three hundred bucks at a casino really wasn't a big deal because, on an average night, I'd make more than that. At this time, The Point in Kansas City was a premiere bar and everybody who was anybody in Kansas City would show up. It was pretty common to walk out of the bar after close with five hundred bones in your pocket. Five hundred bones to toss at a black-jack dealer. Wow, I am rambling and rambling. Let me get to the point.
My favorite memory of grey dawn was when my brother and I were leaving Harrah's north of the river in KC. John won three grand and I won two grand. It was summer. We were absolutely drunk and rich and in a cab. In our minds, we'd finally beat the casinos. In reality we'd scaped back probably a fourth of what we'd blown, at best. But in that moment, in the cab, anything was possible, and because John and I both blew money as if our hands were fans, we wanted to spend it. We wanted to do something wild because we could. We had the money, so why the fuck not?
We decided we'd have the cab take us to KCI airport so we could hop a flight to Chicago. We decided that since we had the money, we'd go to Chicago to eat hotdogs and get haircuts. The cabbie was pretty unimpressed with our idea, which made us think maybe it wasn't a good idea after all. Logic started coming back. We ditched the idea of going to Chicago. We had the cabbie take us back to my brother's pad.
I always like thinking of being in that cab deciding on if we should go to Chicago for hotdogs and haircuts. I represents the true silly and like all silliness represents an aspect of life that is truly stupid, stupid. I've done shitloads of stupid shit. I like to think that's what makes me a pretty empathetic person. But that just might be me thinking too highly of myself. I think there's a poem fumbling around in these fumbling words of this fumbling entry.
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Ear Farts
It is a day like this one when I really appreciate being a T.A. It's not because all of my students are little angels. It's not because I've just given a WOW-Lecture. It's because I can sit here in my "office" and think about the possiblity of farting out of my ear. Naturally, this new method of farting came about during a Smoker's Conversation outside Armstrong Hall.
We were talking about how headache pressure builds and builds and it would rock if there were a way to release that pressure. Drilling was suggested. Then I thought, wouldn't it be fantastic if you could pinch your ear closed, let go, and all of the pressure in your head would come out like air escaping from a balloon? Would it smell? I hope so. Would the sound be like that of a balloon squeaking? Or would it sound more like a real fart. I would hope it would smell and sound like a real fart. And since you are pinching your ear, in essence creating the pitch of the fart, you could come up with different little songs. On really bad migraine days you could pinch your ear and hold long enough to play Taps for yourself (buuuurrr....burrrrrr....burrrrrr. and so on). During Christmas migraines you could play Oh Holy Night. During Halloween you could pinch really tight when releasing the ear fart to get the high pitch of a witch laughing. The possiblities would be endless.
You'd be able to release the pressure of your migraine while entertaining yourself. The smells might be a turn off, but if it's a fart then the gas needs to have a stench to it. Got to stay true to the world of the story. And, you know what? You could ear fart right into someone's nose depending on your height. You could walk right up to them, rip a silent ear fart and be right on your way with that person gagging on your migraine gas.
I just know tried to make my ear fart by pinching it closed. I did hear the sound of the ocean, but there was no gas release. I really wish there had been. I'm curious what ear-wax smell would smell like. Would it smell like nasty carrots? It is orangish yellow. I just don't know.
Well, time to scoot (not literally though I would like to scoot like a dog on some very rough carpet some days). Time to go do student conferences. I like this job. I truly feel like an academic this very moment as I have my feet up and just typing away.
We were talking about how headache pressure builds and builds and it would rock if there were a way to release that pressure. Drilling was suggested. Then I thought, wouldn't it be fantastic if you could pinch your ear closed, let go, and all of the pressure in your head would come out like air escaping from a balloon? Would it smell? I hope so. Would the sound be like that of a balloon squeaking? Or would it sound more like a real fart. I would hope it would smell and sound like a real fart. And since you are pinching your ear, in essence creating the pitch of the fart, you could come up with different little songs. On really bad migraine days you could pinch your ear and hold long enough to play Taps for yourself (buuuurrr....burrrrrr....burrrrrr. and so on). During Christmas migraines you could play Oh Holy Night. During Halloween you could pinch really tight when releasing the ear fart to get the high pitch of a witch laughing. The possiblities would be endless.
You'd be able to release the pressure of your migraine while entertaining yourself. The smells might be a turn off, but if it's a fart then the gas needs to have a stench to it. Got to stay true to the world of the story. And, you know what? You could ear fart right into someone's nose depending on your height. You could walk right up to them, rip a silent ear fart and be right on your way with that person gagging on your migraine gas.
I just know tried to make my ear fart by pinching it closed. I did hear the sound of the ocean, but there was no gas release. I really wish there had been. I'm curious what ear-wax smell would smell like. Would it smell like nasty carrots? It is orangish yellow. I just don't know.
Well, time to scoot (not literally though I would like to scoot like a dog on some very rough carpet some days). Time to go do student conferences. I like this job. I truly feel like an academic this very moment as I have my feet up and just typing away.
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