Thursday, January 14, 2010
Friday, January 8, 2010
The Year In Alphabet, 2009
A
On May 20, I relapsed, got shitty, got in a car, got pulled over, got thrown in jail, got out of jail, got myself back into a program of recovery. A busy day.
Amphibious Car
These were made in the 1950s and 60s. I rode in a German one. A guy staying at the resort I worked at owned it. I asked him all about the car while admiring it on my cigarette break. He asked me if I wanted to go for a ride after my shift. Rhetorical question. It’s a strange experience— riding in red convertible, doing forty, then cruising right down a boat ramp into a lake before motoring out, going under a bridge in a car that is also a boat. When wake came over the hood, the owner turned on the windshield wipers. Before he turned on the lake, he used turn signals. It was a surreal feeling to be riding in an amphibious car across a lake while having a revoked driver’s license.
B
More like bondswoman. Mine wore a pink flowered shirt and tight pants when she came to get me out of Dickinson County Jail. She was nice as pie. I paid her $100 cash and promised not to violate my bond terms and appear at my court date. She said, “If you disappear, my husband will find you.”
BubbaKeg
What a fantastic nickname.
C
Cook
I got back into restaurant cooking at a breakfast place in Okoboji, IA. On days when it felt nothing was going right, I chopped onions and green bell peppers and mushrooms and bacon into bits for omelets. The rhythm of chopping and dicing soothes me like a cooing mother soothes a child.
D
Driving Privileges
When I first started driving, my father said, “No one has the right to drive. It is a privilege.”
Ten some odds years after that warning, my driving privileges were revoked. I got rides from friends in recovery to attend meetings. I rode my bike everywhere until I got a Temporary Restricted Work Permit, which allowed me to drive to and from work only. I’ve never been so grateful to be allowed to drive to and from just one place. The bike ride to work helped shave some pounds and form strong legs. Round trip mileage =12 miles. In the autumn, the bike ride at 5:00 a.m. was brisk, but beautiful and peaceful.
DOT (Department of Transportation)
I am convinced that the DOT uses two words in nearly all their dealings: no, cash
E
Enough is enough. After months of saying I didn’t need a program of recovery, I became an active member in one.
F
Over the summer, I would fly-cast from the front of our family motor boat or the family dock. The rhythm of fly-casting calms and soothes me the same way chopping does. This summer, I caught a 15 inch northern on my fly rod. It felt like a whale. When the white bass swam the docks at dusk to feed on shad, I was there, casting a small hula popper, dragging it across the top of glass-calm water. The memory of watching those bass hit the top-water lure brings me joy.
G
ChefboyarGangsta
The guy I cook with nicknamed me this. It stuck. I love it.
Gratitude Lists
I can bitch about my shoes being tied, so just imagine when I hit a rough patch. Each day I write a list of what I am grateful for. It shapes my perspective from woe to luck.
H
Hats
I started wearing a baseball cap every day, again.
I
Igloo
I am seriously considering building one of these out on the lake. There’s at least a foot of snow covering West lake Okoboji. This is my winter solution to an ice house for ice fishing. Stay tuned.
Interlock Ignition Device
I had to put one of these mother fuckers in my car as result of being allowed my Temporary Restricted Work Permit. It is a breathalyzer. It does not work well in the cold. You must breathe into it to start your car. You must breathe into it at random times while you drive your car.
J
Jail
I love to wear orange, but only on a voluntary basis.
Journal
I write in my journal every day. This summer I wrote and wrote and wrote to relieve stress and relax and process how I was restarting recovery, how I was living in a new town where I didn’t know many people, how I was in trouble with the law and didn’t want to be, how things didn’t turn out the way I wanted them to, but the culmination of all of these events since May turned out in ways I needed.
K
Kiln
In wheel pottery, I loaded three gas kilns. It is tedious, labor intensive work—arranging all the pots close together, but not too close that the glazes melts them together. The kiln shelves are very heavy and balanced on small, vertical bricks. Loading a kiln is like playing a very breakable version of Jenga backwards.
L
Lawyer
I hired one for a very large sum of money. I carried his card in my billfold in case of legal emergency. At times, I wanted to tear my lawyer a new one. At times, I wanted to kiss my lawyer on the forehead.
Letters
I wrote a lot and received a lot of these. I saved each letter as desert mail after reading through letters from my lawyer and financial shit.
M
Milford, IA
After renting my parent’s basement for the summer, I moved into a cozy apartment off the lake and into this small town. At first, I bitched about Milford, but I love my quiet apartment in a quiet town. I discovered new ways to write poems. I discovered how to reach out for help from strangers because I was living in a place with no friends and no pre-established community like when I was in school.
MFA
I graduated with this degree from Mankato State Univ, Mankato in early May 2009
In undergrad, I lived in Maryville, MO. In grad school, I lived in Mankato, Minnesota. Post grad school, I live in Milford, IA. I am stuck in the Ms and don’t mind.
N
Negative Temperatures
This winter has been the coldest, snowiest of my life. The “feels like” temperature was -36 when I got up this morning. We have had two serious blizzards. It is only January 8th. We are at the mercy of the wind.
Niel
This is the name of my begonia. He’s an I before E in all circumstances kind of plant. Recently, someone accused him of being “spindly.” He did not appreciate the attack on his Swerve.
O
OWI (Operating While Intoxicated)
When I met with my lawyer for the first time, he said “In the state of Iowa, it is easier to defend a murder case then and OWI.” Of all the things I wish I wouldn't have done, this tops the list.
P
Publication
Thanks to RockSaw Press, my chapbook Botched Heroics was published in April 2009. The book design is beautiful. The designer, Jorge Evans, hit the nail on the head with the cover. Thanks, RockSaw!
Q
Quarrel
The first three months of post-relapse sobriety I got into a lot of these with loved ones and friends. I’m slowly but surely making amends.
R
Roripaugh
In late October, Lee Ann Roripaugh mailed me her newest book, On the Cusp of a Dangerous Year. Fantastic read. In a time when I felt like I’d estranged myself from the world of writers because I was busy trying to stay sober, this book came to me at the perfect time, in a perfect way. Thanks, Lee Ann.
Resort
I worked the front desk at one on East Lake Okoboji this summer. I loved the people I worked with.
Relapse
I have never been so confused as to how an event happens while it is happening. This is how an addiction makes you its bitch if you are not successfully working a program of recovery.
S
Sponsor
I got one. I am eternally grateful.
Suppression Hearing
A lawyer will request that specific evidence be suppressed from a case due violations of law. My lawyer argued that there was not sufficient probable cause for me to be pulled over. The police report claimed that the initial tip-off that I was driving impaired was by driving 25 mph in a 30 mph zone. There were many other technicalities. All in all, the judge sided with my lawyer, which is rare. We won the case because the stop and everything after the stop became suppressed evidence. My lawyer called me with this news at 8:24 am on New Year’s Eve.
Sober
I tried it on my own from January to May. This time around, I am happy to report I am nearing eight months of sobriety. The longest stint since I was 14.
T
Thrift Store Finds
In the last days of December 2009, I made two miraculous thrift store purchases:
I purchased an Armani 100% Pure Virgin Wool Sports Coat for $8.00. It fits me perfectly. It has no flaws. The value of this coat begins at over $500 due to its condition.
A couple days after the Armani purchase, I found a set of eight white Fiestaware cups with seven matching saucers. I bought the set for $4.00.
Treatment
I enrolled in voluntary, extended alcohol treatment. I have a fantastic counselor. The other day when we met we were talking about how hard it is to remain recovered and avoid taking the next drink. He told me, “People who stay sober weather a lot of storms that people without addiction problems can’t imagine. Sobriety takes perseverance. Perseverance builds character. Character builds hope. And hope will not disappoint.” This is one of the most profound things anyone has ever said to me.
U
Underpants
Some days I wore them around my apartment. Some days I did not.
V
Valu-Time Cookies
I ate an incredible amount of Mint, Fudge, and Peanut Butter flavored ones. I think the company’s stock rose three points.
W
Wayne
This is my jade plant. He likes to watch it snow.
Wheel Pottery
I took this class in Spring 2009. It changed a lot of what it helped me gain a more profound, hands-on understanding of how creating art is a process of mistake-making.
Walleye Fishing
Due to a mild summer, the walleye fishing was astoundingly good on West Lake Okoboji. I caught three walleye over 20 inches, two of them one day after the other.
X
Marks the spot.
Many times I don’t quite understand how I come to live in a place. Moving to the Okoboji area came with a host of post-relapse difficulties. A quote that helped me cope with how things hadn’t turned out the way I’d planned or hoped: “If I am unable to change the present state of affairs, am I willing to take the measures necessary to shape my life to conditions as they are?”
Y
Yesterday
I stopped thinking in terms of what had happened the day before. I made strong progress toward remaining present and focused on solutions to problems instead of burying myself in the woe of problems. I wasn’t always successful, but I grew to accept life on life’s terms (most of the time) best I could.
Z
Zits
The guy I shared a cell with popped zits while looking in the stainless steel mirror. I told him how I’d relapsed and ended up in jail eight hours later. I told him how I’d been trying to stay sober. He told me, “The Big Guy must love you in a tough way.” He was on his way to the federal pen for drug charges. I would like to get a cup of coffee with him when he gets out.
