The Curious Incident of the Invisible Pet in My Highland Hills Apartment

At 9:10 this morning I finally resolved the battle with my landlady over the mysterious pet of which I had been accused of owning and "harboring" in my apartment.

The Back Story:

During December "Saftey Inspections" a Highland Hills staff memeber discovered evidence of my owning a cat of which in a January conversation the landlady said I was harboring a cat, as if I had a cat underground railroad stop, as if I hang quilts in my window signaling when it is safe for refugee cats to stay at my apartment, as if the John Dillenger of cats purrs on my lap while I'm lounging on my sofa in my underpants.

Though the landlady said she would "investigate" this matter and get back to me, I heard nothing out of the office until a friendly "unauthorized pet fee" of $50 arrived this past Thursday. When I called the office on Friday to discuss this with the landlady she was gone at "a meeting" but since I wasn't going to pay the "unauthorized pet fee" by Friday and the landlady wasn't there to take care of the paper work I would be given a $25 late fee.

On Monday the landlady was not in her office. On Tuesday she left me a phone message letting me know of the fees.

This morning I called ready to raise hell in a full-out declaration of war: David Estate vs. Highland Hills.

On the phone, the landlady told me that during the "saftey inspections" a staff memeber saw evidence of my owning a dog. The story she told me in January had to do with a cat. Hmm....

What is the supposed evidence of this pet? I don't own a pet. No cat. No dog. The only animal in my apartment is me, I said.

Well, did you have a water bowl or a litter box out? the landlady asked.

Why would I have that? I don't own a pet.

Have you ever had an animal visit your apartment? The landlady asked.

Yes. Human beings, I said.

Because the landlady didn't even know what this supposed "evidence" seen in my apartment was I asked, Does your staff have pictures of this evidence of my owning a pet.

No, but I trust my staff and the staff has a keen eye for people keeping unauthorized pets.

Extremely keen eyes, since the staff can see invisible animals, I thought.

Listen, I said, What we have here is hearsay. You say I own a pet. I say I do not...

Do you ever have pets spend the night? the landlady asked as if I am having some kind of wild parties with multiple pets, as if I am having pet-based orgies.

No. No pets spend the night and I do not own any pets and like I was saying this is all hearsay, so what I'm going to do is call the Police. We need a non-biased third party. I'll have the Police search my apartment up and down and report if their findings.

Silence.

Silence.

Silence.

Well.... We don't need to go that far, the landlady says.

It's the only way to prove that no animals other than a human being lives or stays here.

Well.... No pets stay there, not even for the night?

I don't own a pet.

Okay....Well.... If that is the case and there are no pets then what I can do is drop the charges.

Good, I said.

As I am writing this, the landlady just called. She checked the staff notes. The staff reported a water dish on the floor. There was a water bowl on the floor, the landlady claims.

A bowl on the floor does not mean I own a pet. I can keep as my bowls on the ground as I want, I said.

I know. I was just letting you know what the staff saw. It's still over.

Okay.

So why did the landlady call me with that information? Hmm.... Why all this stupid-ass bullying as if Highland Hills doesn't fuck people enough out of their money, as if I haven't put up with enough from these people who invent fees and fines while letting crackheads and whatnots live here.

I've decided what to do when it comes time for another "saftey inspection," which should be over Spring Break. Interesting how the saftey inspections are held over time periods when the majority of residents--students--are out of town. Suspect. Well, this is what I'm going to do:

When the little slip of paper announces that "saftey inspections" will take place I am going to Pet-Co and thrift stores and dollar stores to buy pet toys. I'm gonna create an arsenal of squeaky toys, chew toys, plush duckies, and rope toys. I will spread them all over my apartment alongside a bowl of water in each room. When I am accused of owning a pet I will tell my landlady the truth about said evidence: Those are my toys and the bowl of water hydrate the air in my apartment.

To be continued, motherfuckers.